Oh, I get it!

I've finally got it figured out (I think), why I've been having such a hard time with this whole breakup nonsense. I mean, yes, it was sort of like a bad divorce without the lawyers (although, it did nearly come to that), so it dragged on and on until literally like a week ago. But even that didn't explain the feelings of hurt that I still have every single day. I'm not crying myself to sleep at night or anything, but I have this constant tug of hurt that I can't shake. Yes, it's hard to jump back in the saddle when you have this seed of doubt in your mind wondering if you really were that awful to be in a relationship with no matter how many times you tell yourself that it's not true. And, yes, it's not easy to suddenly have to reevaluate the direction your life is going in. Yeah, hard. But not unbearable. Actually, probably more beneficial than anything else. So why the hurt? I'm certainly not wishing to get back together. He's most emphatically not someone that I want to be with anymore, and I don't even have a glimmer of jealousy for the women (err, girls) he's been dating since we broke up. But really, that's where the issue is. I should be jealous. I should be upset that someone else is with the man I was deeply in love with until he pulled the rug out from under me. I should want to claw their eyes out. But I'm not and I don't. Because they're not with the man I loved, the man I wholeheartedly believed I would spend the rest of my life with, the man who was my best friend. That man doesn't exist in the world anymore. All that's left is this shabby imitation who's not very good at doing impressions (or maybe I was the one who was with the impostor, and he's the one who is gone now). That's the part that hurts. It's as if the love of my life died one night and I never got to go the funeral. It's such an awful feeling.
I feel better realizing what that gnawing at my heart is. I still don't know quite how to go about dealing with that. But, at least I understand it now. So, rest in peace, my love. I wish I could have said goodbye to you.