I've moved

The primary blog has been moved to my MySpace page. If you know me, you probably already know this. =)

I'll still post the random post over here, so if you're subscribed, you'll know. But just in case you were wondering about the chirping of crickets over here.

Got me thinkin'

You know, it just figures that I would be the kind of person who would listen to someone else's sadness about being single and decide emphatically that I want to continue to be alone. I might be a bad friend to the single girls these days. But, it really is true, I have too much to do that I'm afraid I won't be able to do with someone else in my life. I've earned this me time, and I plan on making the most out of it that I can before someone else turns up that I go all stupid for. And, if it kills me, I'm going to cram in as much as I possibly can just in case that person turns up closer to today than to 20 years from now.

My funeral/or moving forces

I am a nomadic soul. I have never claimed to be anything to the contrary. This is just who I am. I may force myself into some semblance of stability by staying places that I would otherwise leave, but my heart wants to keep on the move. As a result, I'm not someone who makes a lot of strong ties wherever I end up. I know I'm just going to pick up and leave some day, so I don't invest a lot of myself in forging deep friendships. Lots and lots of acquaintances, and I'm forever surrounded by people I really do care a great deal for, but I always keep my distance somewhat (this is also the reason why many people think I'm a snob, but who cares?).
I'm completely alright with this arrangement, as it has always suited me just fine. But the sole thing that sometimes slivers into my mind is that with no strong ties, who is going to show up at my funeral? Hell, with so many of the people I know being such fairweather friends, how many people would even know if I died? It's sort of a depressing thought, but really, in this scenario, I'd be dead anyway so what do I care?
But there's one thing that happens to me no matter where I live, and I always see it as my sign that it must be time to go. At some point, all of those acquaintances become true friendships - warts and all. I don't know what causes this to happen when I'm such an avoider, but happen it does. And it always happens shortly before I move away just like it's happened again now. If I died today, my funeral would turn into the second biggest party in town. Like I said, I don't know how this happens to someone like me. But I just roll with it knowing that my departure from these parts is surely eminent. And I just hope that when I do die, it's shortly before I leave a town so lots of people will show up for the funeral. =)

Sp'angin bones

Love is a battlefield

Damn my sister! I subscribe to the blog that she and her husband write, and they had a new post up today. Last weekend was their one year wedding anniversary, and to memorialize the occasion, they took a trip down memory lane remembering and sharing all of the events from the weekend of their wedding last April. Their blog was littered with pictures and memories reliving the entire weekend. And I know that I should look back on that weekend and be glad, but it just gives me this big empty feeling inside.

That entire weekend and the week that followed was a positively magical time for Johnny and me while we visited Seattle. And remembering all the joy I felt then only serves to remind me of the big hole in my heart. It's so much easier to think only with my short-term memory and tell myself that I hate him, but then I'm reminded of all the years before that. It almost makes me hate him more for having taken away from me something that was so incredibly beautiful. Despite everything that came after, I really did love him, and probably will until the day I die. And I would sell my soul to be able to go back in time and relive those years that were so amazing.

I'll live. I just don't want to hear anyone tell me how great love is, thanks. I already know. Don't remind me.

Today's horoscope

I love reading my horoscope every day:

"With sweet Venus back in your sign until May 8, you can be even more charming than usual. You must, however, be careful, for with the Moon in rebellious Aquarius, you might be tempted to ignore the rules of the road. Go ahead and engage in whatever lighthearted fun sounds good to you, but don't overstep anyone's boundaries or you might find yourself on the outside of your group of friends." Wednesday, April 11, 2007

For one thing, how could it even be possible for me to be more charming that usual? =P Not that it will do me any good today to be so charming seeing as I won't be around anyone except my co-workers and then tonight with my textbooks. No matter.
And that second bit about ignoring the rules of the road? Wait, there are rules? Shit.
In any case, I've found myself on the outside of my group of friends once already recently. It may not have been particularly pleasant, but I was still OK. I just kept on keepin' on and everything ended up working out OK in the end. Actually, probably better than OK now - there's nothing like a big shake up to cull the herd. =)
But I think I'll skip that bit about engaging in "whatever lighthearted fun sounds good", because the only fun that sounds good to me this evening is a big party (why on a Wednesday I will never understand) which will involve lots of drugs, alcohol, and dancing. None of which I have any business being anywhere near when I have a paper to write and a very long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Confused

I can't breathe for all the mixed signals the universe is throwing at me.

I take the left turn at Albuquerque only to spy shiny objects twinkling back at me from where I came.

I can't go back but I can't go forward.

Instead I go in circles in circles in circles in circles in circles in circles.

Just tell me what you fucking want!!
Give me a hint!
A clue!
Fucking smoke signals!
Something!

Which damn direction am I supposed to be headed in?

Are you coming with me or not?

Damnable pixies always confusing my head.
I want none of it!
I want all of it!

Watch the knife if you know what's good for you.

I'll kiss it make it better but it'll cost you maybe more than you are prepared to pay.

Wait for the dust to settle.

Wait for the dusk to settle.

Then we'll know.
We'll know the score.
The price of tea.
The sum of one and one.

How to confuse the pixies.

I think I'm faulty

Huh. Well, I guess my sinking feeling yesterday was just PMS or low blood sugar or something. Seems everyone's doing OK as far as I can tell. Yes, this is a good thing. I've just been wracking my brain all day trying to think if there's anyone I've forgotten, but I think we're good. Saw Dad and Dawn last night and they and the rest of the extended family are good. I've swapped emails with my seastars all day and they're good. And for the friends I haven't talked to since yesterday, I've been stalking their MySpace or blog pages all day just to be sure. =) Sometimes the EvilNetwork[tm] does come in handy.

I'm telling you though, there's something in the air in Boston that gets my radars all out of whack. Oh, bother!

Sinking

I have this horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I got out of the shower and suddenly had an "Oh, shit. Something is terribly wrong" moment. And I haven't been able to shake it all day. I hate getting feelings like this because too often I'm right. But knowing that something is wrong isn't any use if I don't know what it is. It's killing me, and there's nothing I can do about it. Someone will call if something serious has happened to one of my friends or family, I'm sure. I hope. And calling everyone I know only bums people out and makes them think I'm nuts. I hate feeling so helpless.

Pole dancing

Last night I went to see my friend Bob in his current play, "Conquest of the South Pole", and I must say I found it delightful. Who knew that unemployment and boredom in pre-Berlin Wall demise Germany could be so darn enjoyable, huh? I'll spare you my insufficient reviews and leave that to the experts:
The Dig
The Phoenix
Boston Globe

I recommend that all you locals go check it out:

Charlestown Working Theater
Thurs-Sat April 5-7 @ 8pm
Thurs-Sat April 12-14 @ 8pm

And, if you bring two friends with you, your ticket is free! And free is good!

Yeah, so I might be biased about the show because I think Bob is a dramatic genius, but he's my oldest friend in the whole wide world, so I have to think that. (I'm also a little bit biased because I've decided that one of the actors WILL be my future ex-boyfriend!) But it really is a great show and you should ALL go see it!

Sick sucks

There's nothing I hate more than waking up for the third morning in a row feeling like I've been run over by a train. A train filled with slime. I just want to crawl back under the covers and sleep all day long. Unfortunately, I have a new class starting up tonight, and as each of these classes is only 6 weeks long, I don't know that I can actually afford to miss one. I wish there was a way I could teleconference in from home in bed.

But here's the good news. My new phone arrived in the mail, and it is so super rad and adorable! I also finally received my new passport in the mail! Yay! (Bummer that all the overseas last-minute packages are really expensive again though) And I also got confirmation that my Management class grade will be changed to an A. Thank god.

So basically this week has been great just so long as I don't count the mucus and the weather.

I rock!

Yeah baby! I got an A in my Employment Law class! Who's a rockstar, huh? I was a little nervous with a grade that was based 100% on the final, and a final with 2 out of 5 cases that were real head scratchers. But I kicked ass! Just had to share. =)
Still waiting for my grade to be fixed for my other class, but I found out that I did indeed rock the final in that class, so even though it doesn't show up, I aced that class too. What's funny though, is that he apparently graded the class on a curve, so it's quite possible that I just lowered everyone else's grades in the class. Booyah!!

What a Monday

Well, I've gone and done it now! I did my standup show last night! Wahoo!! So much fun I could hardly stand it. All of my fellow comics rocked my socks off - I'm so proud of them!! I think I did alright, and everyone said I did, but I wouldn't really know - I was sort of nervous for about the first 20-30 seconds and then I don't really remember the rest of it. =) I know I forgot two jokes though. One I'm not so worried about skipping over. It would have added another few laughs, but no one knew it was supposed to be there so no one knows that I skipped it. Another joke though, I know people were expecting to come out of my mouth, so I'm a little bummed I missed it. Oh, well. I still had a fantastic time, and everyone there had a ball. As I expected, we totally filled the room and had to do a scramble to find more chairs for people, and it was quite the lively audience. (On a rather funny side note, before the place started to really fill up, all of my friends were already there and Michelle, another comic, comes in the room and says "Does it smell like pot in here or is it just me?". "Oh, sorry Michelle, that's just my friends. Don't mind them." Haha!) And Liz managed to not die from embarrassment when I made a whole joke setup about her. Devon managed not to panic that Liz was there. Donald didn't manage to figure out his Rubik's Cube. Doris didn't manage to hear my more raunchy jokes. Kathy actually managed to make it there before my set. And a bunch of my other friends all just plain laughed their asses off. Huzzah!

Next topic. So, I've been freaking out a little bit about Johnny. The shit that I've been hearing about him for weeks now really has me worried. So much so that I've started reaching out to some of his friends who I haven't spoken to in ages trying to get someone to do something to help him. Unfortunately, all I've been getting in response are more bitchfests about how much people can't stand him. Every time his name comes up there are newer more vile nicknames added to the list. I'm really scared for him, but no one seems to want to give him any support and I obviously can't do anything for him myself. This has been going on long enough that no one will be around him, so fortunately no one has gotten hurt lately that I'm aware of. But the latest and greatest was a fight that he had with one of his oldest friends in the world which left him in tears and apparently threatening suicide. And then, from what I hear he hasn't been home since then. I don't know, maybe he's figured out that his roommates are pissed off too. So I'm all in a fit because from the sounds of it, things have really gone too far so I ask his sister to please talk to him and make sure he's OK. But, I should have known better. She says to me last night "Oh, that stuff that happened. He's totally fine now. I talked to him the other day, and he's not really going to hurt himself or anything. HE'S FINE. DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT" Yeah, I didn't really mean for you to ask him if he's OK as a yes or no answer. But I guess she only has his word to go on seeing as she's now almost as much of a pariah as he is these days. I gotta say, it's weird how two people who were so idolized only recently have fallen so low in other people's eyes. I really should just stop worrying about other people. Blech.

OK, back to the fun stuff. So, after the show, and after I talked with Liz for a minute about her brother, I went to have a couple of drinks with my fellow comics over at the Rattlesnake. It was nice getting to hang out with all of them and just relax and talk and not be worrying over our sets anymore. It was also a really nice way to burn off all my frenetic energy. A wise woman once said that before your standup routine, do not drink, do not do drugs, and have a glass of water. After your standup routine...drink heavily. =) I didn't drink heavily, but I did have a couple just to wind down. But I ended up being a little short on sleep as a result which was just the ingredient needed for this head cold to finally catch up to me. So I'm home sick today. Blech again!!

Now it's me, my pjs, and bed. It's days like these I'm quite pleased to have a laptop. Now if only I had a robot maid to bring me more tea....

Tri-polar?

So I got to thinking the other day about so-called "bi-polar disorder". And it sort of made me wonder, isn't everybody bi-polar? I mean, think about it. When have you ever said "I'm just alright" and really meant it? Seems to me that it's human nature to swing one way or the other. We're happy or we're sad with nothing going on in the middle. Even if we did find ourselves in the middle we'd just make up something to be sad or happy about anyway, don't you think? We just can't be OK with being OK. People are very peculiar.

The whole reason I started thinking about this was because I'm on an up swing again. For some reason I had a sort of crummy few weeks there. But now I'm back on my game and feeling happy all the time again (except first thing in the morning...I'm never pleased then). And very little has changed. Seeing a couple of old friends again has been nice, but other than that it's been the same ol' super busy life. And I just think it sort of strange how easily my mood can be pushed around one way or another when life's absent some of the big extremes. So, yeah, I guess I am bi-polar. But I bet you are, too. =)

I laughed. I cried

Last night was my final stand-up comedy class. I've gotten so used to my Monday night jollies that I'm a little bummed to know it's done now. =( But next week is our show! Woo-hoo!! Unfortunately for me, while doing my "dress rehearsal" last night, I tossed in a couple of new jokes. That's not the unfortunate part. The really unfortunate part is that in the process of getting huge laughs with the new material, I ended up cracking myself up so hard I was crying. I'm like, "Wait! Wait! There's still one more punch line to that joke! I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!!" except I couldn't form words anymore. And you know how when you start laughing and can't stop, you have to stop and breathe and say everything with a straight face until the moment passes? Yeah, that last bit's not so possible in the middle of a stand-up routine. Especially not possible in my routine where it's as much about the silly side of me as it is about the words to the jokes. It's not like Steven Wright who portrays every joke as if it's the most serious thing since the holocaust. It's more like telling Robin Williams to do deadpan.

Oh, I really really hope I can get myself under control by next Monday. See this is why I won't take an improv class. I think doing improv would be amazing, but I already know I have a tendency to crack myself up. I can just see myself up on stage doing an improv show and thinking of a really funny joke but not ever being able to vocalize it past my own hysterics. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a particularly funny joke. Just funny to me...which is a long list! Now, if I could find myself a vaudeville class I'd be on that like stink on poop! I think I work better playing off of someone else. But I guess vaudeville's not really hip anymore. Not since the prohibition days anyway...

It's going to be a monster turnout next week, I think. I think we determined that just between the 5 of us who we know will definitely be performing (we're not sure who of the rest of them will muster up the courage) we probably have at least 75 guests, and probably closer to 100. And the BCAE sent out an email to all their members about the show too, so that will tack on quite a few more (just so long as it's not a bunch of golden agers who're going to be freaked out by my material). Dude. I think we'll max out the capacity. No pressure..............

Tiger by the tail

Well, it's been 4 years since the war in Iraq started. And it's lasted oh, about 4 years longer than it should have.

Last night when I picked up Liz and Julian from the airport at about 1 in the morning, Liz was complaining (about a lot of things actually) that she wanted to go to the peace rally and march down at Boston Common. I was already planning on going provided I wasn't up until the sun came up playing poker, so I offered to call her in the morning to meet up with her if I went. Well, she bailed on me. Not a big deal. I had been planning on going by myself in the first place. Then again, I expected to see a lot more people I know there.

This is my first problem. I'm constantly surrounded by throngs of people with their bravado and their posturing. There were at least 50 people I know who should have been at the rally. Did I see a single one of them? No. Yeah, there were a fair number of people there (a lot less than I would have expected, but still), so I might have missed a few of them there, but for me to not even run into one of them? That pisses me off. How dare you get up on your damn soapbox from morning 'til night every damn day, forward me emails, bully me into thinking I'm not doing enough, and then not be there? Hypocrites.

Here's my second problem. War brings out the propaganda and the sheep in all of us. Propaganda, propaganda, sheep, sheep, spin, spin, spin. Makes me crazy. I'm not saying that this is just a peace activist phenomenon. Same is true of the neocons and the save the ozoners. I happen to agree with more of the lefty propaganda than the righty, but it's still propaganda, and it's still riddled with half truths, misinformation, and great glaring holes. But folks just gobble it up because it's easier than finding the facts. How can a person say on one hand that you can't ever trust a word the government says and then on the other just blindly follow every word uttered by these activist groups? Trust or don't trust. Pick one. Get informed. Figure out what's true and what's not true. Don't just agree with everything that the guy with your favorite banner says. Come on!

And here's my other problem as long as I'm bitching about hypocrites. I'm going to pick on Pat Scanlon here because he illustrates so well what I mean. He's up there singing this song about taking all the heads of state, tossing them into Abu Ghraib, throwing away the key, connecting nodes to their genitals, etc, etc, etc. "Lock 'em up!" "Throw away the key!!" The crowd loved it, shouting out the whole call-response. Dancing their precious little hearts out. All the while waving signs and banners and flags calling for PEACE!! How can you possibly chant about ripping out someone's eyeballs while carrying a huge peace flag? That's absurd! No wonder Bush and co. don't listen to you. If it's OK for you to seek revenge, why can't he?

Now, after a while of me standing there thinking all of the above, Cindy Sheehan comes up on stage. I didn't honestly know what to think of her as I've only ever seen/heard/read post-spinzone snippets from both camps. But damn I love her now. She doesn't throw out arbitrary facts to make the audience gasp. She doesn't make herself out to be anybody but who she is. She doesn't pretend that her son was anything but who he was. She is just a mom who lost her son, trying to talk sense into people. And what made me love her the most was that she commented on the buttons that were showing up all over the place during Camp Casey that said "Cindy Speaks For Me" or "Cindy Doesn't Speak For Me". Her response? Speak for yourself, damn it! Good for you, Cindy.

And, I will state for the record, that there were many many people there who were thinking and speaking for themselves. There were many people who know that letting go of a tiger once you've got it by the tail is dangerous business - but who also know that we'd best figure out a way to do it safely right now. There were many people there who have been going to protests and rallies since long before I was born, and know a hell of a lot more about how to be effective at it than I do. And there were a lot of people there who, although they may or may not have been misguided, really do mean very well.

All in all, it was a good day. For all of my frustrations about both the war and the anti-war, I needed to be there. I needed to be a part of this. And I'm glad I went. But I'm even more glad right this second to have made it back home where it's warm and I have a toilet. =)

I'm a catch!

What an altogether flattering day. Beyond the regular flirtations from the construction workers next door that I usually get, I also received a "god you're gorgeous" from someone else, a "you're like a freakin' supermodel or something" from another, a "how could you not be great at stand-up, you've got the best sense of humor and timing of anyone I know", and an "I always know that no matter how unusual the question, you will somehow always have the right answer you're so smart". Along with others, but those were my favorites.

Is it my birthday or something?
Is my new bottle of conditioner scented with "eau de suck-up to me"?
Am I on Candid Camera?

This is very peculiar. People just don't find the same person praise-worthy all in the same day usually. It's just how it is. But I can't let it go to my head, otherwise I'm in for quite the let down tomorrow when everyone returns to their senses. But I'll certainly enjoy it while it still lasts! =)

Friends in low places

How do you help someone who doesn't want help?
How do you help someone when no one who once cared for them has any faith in them any longer?
How do you help a person who you think will kick the shit out of you, literally, for getting involved?

How can you not help them?
How can you not help someone when you do have extraordinary faith in the goodness inside of them?
How can you not help someone when other people you care about are getting hurt?
How can you not help when you know how this story will likely end?

Rock, meet Hard Place. Picking up the phone just isn't the simple thing it once was...

Hey! I worked hard for that!

Oh, I am so pissed off right now. I've been fretting so much for the last few days that I'm nauseous because of it. I won't get into why I'm already at the end of my rope right now. I keep writing blog posts about it that I never end up posting because I'm afraid they'll get misinterpreted. But needless to say, I don't need any more shit from the world at the moment. I'm busy coping with other things, you're just gonna have to come back later.

So, I was actually sort of looking forward to getting back to work yesterday thinking it would be at least 8 hours of respite for me, but first thing in the morning I'm sitting in our staff meeting and am informed that the supervisors have some problems with HR lately. That makes a person feel great. Turns out they've been coming across problems because the dumbass in payroll keeps fucking up their checks which a) they never told me was happening so I never knew to fix it and b) they completely blame me for. But you know what? When dealing with idiots, it's difficult to predict just how they're going to screw up. I certainly didn't tell him to do it the way he did. But if I knew it was happening, you'd better believe he would have been hit on the head with a stick a long time ago. The other things they're bitching about are confusion over their benefits - hello, when I took over, I created an employee handbook that details in great length the benefits you get because I didn't think it was right that employees not have something to reference. They all have a copy of it, and they all know damn well where my office is. So why in the fuck are they getting all bent that I'm not giving them answers to questions they haven't asked or even looked for? Huh? Want me to bring in a fucking psychic you whiners?? Whatever, I'll deal.

Now however, because apparently I maxed out my karmic credit card, I finally get my grade for the business class I finished a few weeks ago. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was waiting for over 3 weeks for the professor to submit the grades. As if it wasn't bad enough that he took so long to do it that I couldn't get my reimbursement from work so I could pay for my law class and ended up with my grades being blocked and an extra $100 late fee. Now the grade shows up and I have a fucking C! I'm sorry, but that's just not possible. I may not have the syllabus in front of me, but the grading breakdown was something like 33/33/33 for papers/participation/final. Well, I got perfect scores on all of my papers and I attended and participated in every class (unlike the professor). Even if I had flat out failed the final that still leaves me with a B. And I don't believe for one fucking second that I bombed it. Might not have aced it like I thought I had, but I certainly didn't hand it in scribbled with "fuck the professor" all over it. Oh, I am so raising hell over this one. That's bullshit.

Why now, damn it?

Well, that was pointless

What a dreadfully useless day. Basically the sum total of my productivity was limited to breakfast with Liz and Julian and taking them to the airport. Wow. I had sort of fantasized about taking advantage of being holed up in the apartment due to the freaky March snowstorm and doing all of my homework and memorizing my act before the weekend even got here. But, alas and alack. Instead I spent the day distracted by one shiny object after another, none of which I can particularly recall at the moment. At least the front steps are nice and cleared of snow because of me. Other than that, nada, nothing, zip, zilch, zero. Tough to accomplish not owning a video game console any longer. I thought about the court case I am writing a paper on. I thought about doing some cleaning. Hell, I even thought about walking to the liquor store for beer, but didn't even end up doing that. (Did walk to the convenience store for cigarettes and snacks - that was an adventure and a half in this weather)

Apparently in my world calm=lazy. After a couple of tense weeks for no good reason, I suddenly started feeling this sense of peace a couple of days ago. A serenity that I can explain no more than the anxiety that preceded it. Makes me wonder if something was going on with someone I'm close to. Sometimes the empathy kicks into overdrive and I can't explain it. But whatever the reason, I'm sort of wishing I was still in stress ball mode just so I'd get some things accomplished. (Oh, and I'm sure I'm going to get loads of work done this weekend! Right.)

You're probably right...

So today's horoscope for us Gemini's says:

You may be thinking about postponing or even canceling an upcoming trip due to responsibilities you cannot avoid. The hardest part about this is not just changing your plans; the disappointment can bring up memories of a similar event from the past. Letting go of your feelings attached to a previous experience can help you focus your attention and efficiently manage the current situation. Thursday, March 15, 2007

That hits a little close to home. I was going to take a trip. And it looks like I'll be canceling those plans. And this is the one weekend I absolutely do not want to be in Boston because of memories of what may arguably have been the worst day of my life. But horoscopes are funny things, that don't usually mean anything, and yet I read them anyhow because sometimes they will tell me just what I need to hear. In this case, it's so right, I just need to let go of those feelings and carry on.

I'm usually pretty good about not living in the past, but in this particular instance, it's hard for me not to. And in this particular instance, I really shouldn't. I have so much that I can look forward to this weekend - hanging out on Saturday with some of the coolest, liveliest, most caring and generous people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, then spending Sunday with an entirely different crew who meet all those same criteria, and let's not forget cute boys. ;)

The past is going to be there whether I like it or not. Nothing will ever change that, and there may be nothing that will make it not hurt. But there are lots of other memories that I should hang onto instead. And I know I'm doing all the good memories a disservice by minimalizing them. It's just so damn hard to bolster myself. I'm fearful that things won't work out the way I want them to, because I know how crushing even the smallest disappointment this weekend will be to me.

Let me just make it through 'til Monday without getting hurt. Actually, now that I think about it, the way everything has been changing lately, I stand a pretty decent chance of having other hurts eased somewhat. I shouldn't get my hopes up though.

Stupidity kills

So, I found out last night that an old friend of mine has died. An otherwise relatively healthy guy, he died of a heart attack at 30 years old after doing cocaine. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated. The last time I talked to him I yelled at him and told him that I didn't give a rats ass that he only did hard drugs "from time to time". I regret that that was our last conversation in his lifetime. I'm furious that he didn't listen to me. And damn it I miss him.

Why do people always think "not me"? They say things like, "Well, it's not like I'm shooting heroin or anything. I'm just having a good time." I've watched so many people die for the most senseless reasons, but I thought that finally I had gotten those people out of my life or that they had finally grown up. Why do people have to be so fucking stupid?

Blog math

I can't figure this out. First, I posted a short post earlier today and almost immediately someone posted a comment on it. The weird part is that my feedburner didn't register any hits. Very peculiar. (Side note: it would be cool if my feedburner would tell me precisely who visited my blog. You know, name, rank, and serial number? Whatever.) Not a big deal or anything, just a little odd.

What I'm really confused about is my MySpace blog. Tons of people seem to think that I was just kidding around when I nuked my profile months ago and keep sending me friend requests, so I logged on and posted a quick blog to say 'Holly don't live here no more, ask for my blog address'. And according to that page, the blog has been hit WAY more times than just the few remaining people who are still subscribed to it can account for. This makes no sense. Is it just a random coincidence that a bunch of people stumbled across a dead page and wanted to read the blog? Or do I have stalkers regularly checking my page "just in case"? I'm very confused.

I think the blog hit counters are conspiring against me.

Working from home is fun!

I finally am set up to work from home and hook into all of the work servers from my laptop, so I decided to take advantage of that today. And I honestly think that I got more work done in the past 5 hours or so from home than I normally get done over the course of a few days in the office. And I don't want to shoot myself in the face right now. Always a plus. =)

I could get used to this....

Creepy McCreeperson

OK, this is driving me batty. I mentioned this guy before, but I will elaborate because I really need to get it out of my system before I explode.

Before Christmas I met this guy at a party hosted by my friend Kathy. I honestly thought he was gay for most of the evening (might have been the blonde wig that threw me off) but later realized he wasn't. Anyway, he seemed nice enough and I was at that point thinking that launching myself back into the saddle was what I needed, so I took it and ran with it.

After the holidays we went out for coffee. It was a nice enough time, and having a conversation with a Harvardian felt like a vast improvement in my life. We talked about everything from poetry to real estate to poverty to physics and everything in between. We also talked about googling people which he found morally objectionable, and gave good arguments to that end (little did I realize). Later, he received a "call from a friend" and let me know that this "friend" was coming over to his place in a little bit to hang out over wine. Did I want to come? I said yes. But, of course, said "friend" never showed. However, his nerdy roommate was home with whom I probably had more fun chatting with than my date. But that says less about his roommate than the fact that my date kept sprinkling the word "love" into the conversation, which sort of freaked me out, but I didn't figure I would give him the boot just yet. Back in the saddle, and all that shit.

But after that evening, I kept receiving sweet nothing text messages, and during one short conversation on the phone together, he told me how much he missed me about a half a dozen times. Fortunately for me, this was about the time that I was coming to terms with the fact that I don't have the time to deal with being in the saddle. So, I tried to let him down gracefully and then carried on with my life. Unfortunately, letting people down gently doesn't always get the result you're after and I continued to receive texts and emails and phone messages, which at the time it seemed most prudent to ignore. Then I get this long email listing out all of the attempts to reach me and groveling for forgiveness for whatever he had done to offend me. Waah, waah, waah! So, I pulled out the big guns this time and said fairly bluntly "Not interested".

One would think that sort of response would close the matter. But sadly, it turned into sniveling torment over the loss of his very dear new friend. Let me repeat something here: we met at a party and went out one other time - no long heartfelt emails or phone calls in there, just how do. By now I'm starting to get pretty icky vibes, and I thought back to our previous conversation about googling, and decided to see if there was something hiding in his closet. Well, as it turns out, he had been kicked out of a former college for sneaking into women's dorms and masturbating on them while they slept. (!!!!!!!!) All I can think is thank god he doesn't know my address!! And then, after a couple of weeks without any further response from me he sends me a "Happy Valentine's Day, my dear" text message. And last night he left a voicemail to tell me his wonderful news about getting some of his poetry published! I'm sorry, but don't you think that when you get good news like that the first person you would tell would be your friends, family, maybe co-workers and not the girl you have hung out with twice who won't have anything to do with you?

Oh my sweet lord. When did this happen to me? I have never NEVER been the girl who ended up with assholes or creepshows, and yet here I am. Somebody broke my radar, and now I'm pissed!

It's been a week since my last confession...

Life is interesting, isn't it? Well, at least to me.

Last Wednesday I had my first class in Employment Law, which I was really freaked out about. I am not a lawyer. I have no interest in becoming a lawyer. I cannot recall the names of case studies or legislations that I have been taught. But, as it turns out, I actually have more of that legal information in my brain than I thought. After that first class I realized that I am so far ahead of the game here it shouldn't be allowed. I pretty much just have to show up for the final to ace this class. But I'll still do all the reading and show up every week just to keep in the habit of being a good student. But it sure feels good to know that I don't have to break my back over this one.

And, I think I aced my Management class as well. The final was rescheduled for last Friday, but I wasn't too worried about doing well on the final. OK, maybe a little worried. What I was most worried about was getting our final research papers back and finding out what grade I got on it. This is the research paper I told you about before about the South African power company. Well, after I wrote it, I looked back at the syllabus and saw that I had missed a line in the instructions which said the paper was to be written on a "US public company". Oops. So, I hurried to rewrite my paper on another article I had found, but quite frankly, even if I had had more time to write it, it still wouldn't ever compare to the first one. So, being cocky, I handed it in and let him know that I was fully aware that I hadn't followed the directions correctly, but that I was confident enough in my grades thus far that I would risk the lower grade on this one because I was really proud of it. So imagine my delight when I pick it up the night of the final and on the top it had a perfect grade and the comment "Great article! Well written report!". Sweet!! And this guy doesn't generally write positive comments on students' papers. Yeah. I'm a rock star. Oh, and I think I aced the final too, but the grades still haven't been posted.

So, after the final I met up with Mike for another poker night with some of his buddies that I've played with before. Now, Mike's nickname in that group is Chachi, which means that I have been dubbed Joanie. And I was flattered that someone made sure to ask Mike if he would be bringing Poker Joanie with him again. I was even more flattered that they were willing to hand over their money to me that night. =) I played better than I've played in a while (and far better than Mike did), and was actually a little disappointed that we were playing tournament style because I could have walked out of there with quite a bit more money had I been able to just cash out. But by about 3 am I sort of crumbled just so I could go home. When you've been up for 21 hours straight going to work and taking a final exam, there's only so much your brain can handle and I knew it would be a long drive back from Billerica to my car which was parked in Arlington, and then the rest of the way home.

So, sleepy as I was from the short night's rest, Saturday I headed to the Framingham Premium Cinema for the Best Picture Nominee Showcase. No one ended up coming with me, so sadly, my other tickets went to waste. (How dare my friends have lives and rehearsals and jobs at the last minute?!). But I sort of enjoy going to movies by myself. Never done it for 12 hours straight before, but with those ridiculously comfy seats, I can't say that I minded. And it was so fun. Got there at about 10:30 to trays of bagels, pastries, and fruit, and coffee and juice. Started with Babel, which was sort of a depressing way to start the day, but we had our host, Anthony, to perk us up with some trivia and general absurdity during the breaks. Then came The Queen, some lunch, The Departed, some hors d'oeuvres, Letters From Iwo Jima, dinner, and Little Miss Sunshine. All of this, minus the lunch that I skipped and the dinner buffet which was delicious, but including all the popcorn and soda and coffee we could handle was 30 bucks. Dude. All of us there have collectively started a movement to do this again. We were informally voting amongst ourselves what we should push for - I think we've decided to "encourage" them to do a Godfather marathon. I'll let you know when we've finally persuaded them. =)

And on Sunday, she rested. Well, sort of. While watching a repeat of the 2005 WSOP with one eye, I was also catching up on my reading for the Law class and also working on my stand-up material. At one point, I got so frustrated that I chucked all of the stand-up material that I had been working on a started from scratch. Um, bad idea. By the time I finally got myself back to the original material, I had wasted a lot of time chasing rabbits. Fortunately, I managed to pull one of those rabbits out of my hat at Monday night's class, and totally rocked the room. But, because I lost so much time on it, I don't have it all memorized yet - although even that seemed to work to my advantage because standing there with my notebook in hand forced my timing, and the punches ended up coming out better than they would have had I gone through it at my usual pace. Go figure. But last night was the last class with this group. I'm taking the next series which starts next Monday just to keep it all moving between now and the show on April 2, and it hasn't yet been decided if anyone else from this class is going to be taking the next one. I hope at least one or two will just so I have someone there who already knows where my material has been. But we'll see.

And now it's Tuesday. Tonight is my rescheduled night with Liz and the Gilmore Girls, which means it's my one night that I get to watch TV and just chill out. Always a pleasure. But since she's coming over tonight, that may mean I'm free on Thursday night to get a jump on my 3-day weekend and get out of town again a little earlier than usual. We'll see. I was thinking that being Lent, it might be a nice time to go down to New Orleans by myself. It's not the safest place in the world for a woman alone to spend a weekend, but it's probably relatively quiet for the next week or so.

Oh, and I proudly have done all of the price comparisons for our flights to Australia and Japan, which I'm hoping Dad will purchase this week because come Thursday I will officially have the money to just write him a check for both airfare and the grand he loaned me when Johnny first moved out. How good does it feel to say that you can write a $5k check by the end of the week, huh? And it will be nice to have that taken care of so I don't have to be counting my pennies to save up for it. And I haven't even received my year end bonus yet, so that will pretty much be mine all mine. =)

Pieces!

Quote of the day

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry. - Calvin Trillin

That's the quote of the day that appeared on my Google homepage today. I just had to share. =)

What is wrong with me??!!?

So, I'm in J-Flava's computer room at his and Sarah's apartment in NYC and it's quarter to 10 in the morning. I've been up for two hours now. This fact troubles me because Flava and I went to see Money Mike and his girlfriend Laura last night and I had a bottle of wine plus a couple of beers. I should be hungover and still sleeping right now. Instead, I'm wide awake with a cup of tea and some web surfing. This is not right. NYC is where I come for the really good I've-been-drinking-until-they-kicked-me-out-at-4-am hangovers. That's half the reason I come down. I'm supposed to be half delusional on my drive back to Boston. But no. Clear headed as can be. That's just not right. Let me repeat. An ENTIRE bottle of wine plus a couple of beers. I specifically don't drink often just to make sure I can still afford to get drunk. This sucks. And I'm seriously thinking about tracking down a survey to do while Flava is still sleeping...

In other news, we watched The Devil and Daniel Johnston last night. Good documentary, but christ that man is a train wreck. And the really disturbing part of watching this with all his psychotic insanity (the man stole the keys out of the ignition of his dad's plane MID-FLIGHT and chucked 'em out the window then thought he had done something to be proud of) is that I honestly think I know several people who would watch this and wish they could be just like him. OK, for one, his musical "genius" never got him very far and the people who actually enjoy listening to him perform his own songs ought to be shot in the face. His songwriting is killer, but damn is he a complete hack on both vocals and guitar (actually, his guitar playing really reminds me of Chestnut's and Squall's...yikes). And for another, being insane due to either genetics or substances does not give you a free pass to "genius". So any of you out there who think that you'll get to join your idols if you go completely off your rocker in one way or another, you've only got about a one in a gazillion chance that it's going to aid your talent in any way, but about a 99 in 100 chance of completely alienating or harming those closest to you. That being said, go rent the movie. It's fascinating. And then go listen to all of the actually talented musicians covering his songs. That's when his genius really shines.

But, just to continue the train wreck viewings, when the DVD ended the cable was on VH1 and it was just one train wreck after another that we couldn't tear our eyes from. I feel like I've been living in a cave or something because I had no idea that these shows and people even existed. Some Surreal Life game show, Hogan Knows Best (WTF?), and Shooting Sizemore. I've been out of touch long enough that I had no idea that Tom Sizemore had vanished from the public eye. But what I saw of his little documentary TV show was actually pretty fascinating. There was this amazing moment when he's talking about working with Michael Mann and he admits that his addictions really fucked over Mann for whom he has boundless respect and admiration both as an artist and a friend, and as he's talking he gets so overcome realizing the damage he's caused that he just walks away from the camera and sits where the camera can't catch him crying. Rough.

Oh, and aside from watching train wrecks in all their glory, there was also Ninja Burger. Go buy this game. I was so sucked into it that I was dreaming about being a ninja delivering hamburgers last night. You do have to have a functioning brain to play it, but I'm fairly certain that everyone who reads this is covered. Enjoy.

OK, time to wake up the J so I can get some more NYC goodness in before I have to head home. I just wish I had been able to work in some BrewSkeeBall....

Update

OK, let's see now. Still don't know when I'm taking my final exam, start the law class on Wednesday (oh goodie), it's a 4 day weekend for me and wasn't able to swing a quick trip to visit any of my sisters so I'm about to drive down to NYC and praying I have better luck with ice parking there than I have had here, I've been drinking so much coffee today that I have the shakes but at least I was a relatively respectable drinker last night so I don't have a hangover, um, lemme think, I don't think there's anything else of interest to report (as if the above was particularly interesting in the first place), oh I did get my passport photos today so I just need to mail off my renewal on Monday, and I think that's it. Kind of boring. There's a first in quite some time. =) Although, I am pretty stoked about the passport because as it turns out, I discovered that there are all sorts of last minute flight+hotel deals where I can go to someplace like Paris for the weekend for less than it would cost me to just fly somewhere to visit sisters or friends within the US. Crazy, huh? I'm so taking advantage of that pretty much the day that I get my new passport in the mail. But for this weekend, it's far too quiet. I have to fix that and I'm guessing J-Flava can help me with that.
On the gossip front, it has now made it's way to me via several sources that apparently Chestnut plans to break up with his girlfriend. I love that people like to tell me these things. Really, I do. I also love that the next sentence out of their mouths (except Liz's) is something along the lines of warning me that this does not mean he'll be available for me to date again. Ha. Because that is of course exactly what I was thinking. Actually, what I was thinking is that he's never going to do it. He'll do something to piss her off so she can break up with him or wait for some minor thing that bugs him that he can blow up into a hanging offense. And honestly, I feel bad for her. It's true that no one can stand her, but from the sounds of it their dislike isn't based on her being a "bad" person, just annoying. So, it's going to suck for her, but in my opinion, he needs to go be single for a while. As far as I know, he's only been single for a sum total of maybe a month in the past 10 years - that's not a lot of time alone for someone who is so hell bent on living by his own rules. But, whatever, I don't get to give advice on that front anymore. I'm just sayin', there's a good man inside that jackass somewhere, and maybe some quality alone time will bring him back out to play. And I think everyone would be so grateful for that (well, maybe not us exes, but we're just so damn hard to please).
In other news, I made it through my hell V-Day intact, and was coaxed the rest of the way off the ledge on Thursday by Devon and Liz and the Gilmore Girls. I'm right as rain again. And, I made these killer twice-baked (sorta) potatoes. Which, if you've ever heard me tell my cooking horror stories, you'll know what a feat that was. I have lots of horror stories of my failed attempts at cooking before I finally got the knack of it a few years ago, but baked potatoes have continued to be my nemesis, and I still have nightmares about my attempt at twice-baked potatoes back when David and I lived together. So my yummy ones nearly made me cry with joy. In fact, I'll even give you the recipe:

2 large russet potatoes
6 slices bacon
1 bunch scallions
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup sour cream

Preheat the broiler. Preheat a medium nonstick skillet.
Pierce potatoes with a fork, rub with a little EVOO and pop in the microwave for 12 minutes (give 'em a flip halfway through).
Chop up bacon and crisp 'em up in a pan. Just before they're crispy, toss in some chopped scallions for about a minute. Put on paper towel lined plate to degreasify.
When potatoes are cool enough to handle with bare hands, cut in half and scoop out insides into a bowl. Mash up the potato guts with the bacon/scallion mixture, a good size glob of sour cream, and a couple handfuls of shredded cheddar.
Fill potato shells with potato mixture, top with a little more of the cheese, and pop 'em in the broiler just until everything is nice and melty.
Serve and enjoy.
Serves 4 in theory. Almost enough for 1 big eater like me. =)

There goes my night...

Sadly, my class tonight got canceled due to "inclement weather". Lame and a half. It's gross, I'll grant you that, but it's not impossible out there. And considering my mood today, I'm somewhat disappointed that I'm not taking my final right now. But as if I wasn't already feeling sorry enough for myself, I just got a Happy V-Day text message from someone. It would have been cool if it had been from one of my friends or one of my sisters or something just to perk up my spirits again. But no, it's from a psycho stalker who after meeting at a party and going out with once after that somehow got it into his head that we're soulmates or something and apparently is under the impression that my whole "dude, we're not ever going to be a couple" point blank was just my way of flirting. This day can't end soon enough for me.

V-Day

Well, it's that time of year again. Valentine's Day. First time in a lot of years that I've been single for it, and I was actually sort of looking forward to it. But now that we're here, it turns out it's sort of a crappy day. And this morning as I was getting dressed, all I was thinking was that I wanted to wear a sweater so it didn't even register that I had put on my red sweater. Now I have to explain to people that no, I'm not in the spirit, I'm merely supporting Heart Disease Awareness Month.

Last year at this time I came home from work and Johnny had laid out the table with a box of chocolates, a rose, a bottle of really good wine from Chateau Ste. Michelle (my favorite) and a pair of diamond earrings. It was so classy and unexpected I was teary eyed. Then after I made us some dinner, we went out for our semi-traditional viewing of Casablanca over at the Brattle Theater. I remember that as such a beautiful evening with just the two of us. It was our first Valentine's Day living together in our apartment, and we were so happy together back then and so in love with each other (or at least I thought he was).

This year's a little different. My Haglund's is causing a limp (one part bursitis, one part Achilles tendonitis - all because I have ballerina feet), there's a gross Nor'easter sweeping through with needles of sleet, and I have a final exam tonight. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for all of the good things I have going on right now, because I wouldn't change any of it for the world, but I can't help feeling a little melancholy. I admit it, I miss being in love. I miss the old Johnny. I miss the sweet surprises both given and received. I miss there being someone waiting at home for me who will rub my feet and melt my worries away. And damnit I wish I could have it all. But I chose this path on my own. And even if Chestnut hadn't forced me to make the choice in the first place, I would have still chosen it eventually. I had to. It was the right choice to make. But I'm not too proud to admit that there are certain things from my old life that I wish I could have back. If only for one day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

Aaaaahhhhh!!!

Why?
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY???
WHY!?!?!

Ugh. I just got back from drinking wine all day at the Boston Wine Expo, so I'm in no condition to expound on the topic, but aaaaaaahhhhh!!! WHY?!?!

Fucking cunt

Boy, there's a phrase that'll get your attention, huh? Imagine how much it grabs your attention when you're sitting on the couch next to someone with their laptop open to their MySpace page and you see that phrase with your name attached to it. It's like spotting an LED timer attached to a suspicious package.
OK mister, you really just need to drop it. I did. Took long enough with you continually screwing me over left and right, but that's behind us now, thankfully. Finally. So move on. That's what having a new girlfriend is for. Take advantage of that fact. Maybe when you finally realize that I've never done one damn thing to earn the title "fucking cunt", it'll stop gnawing at you and you can carry on with life. Or maybe you'll finally remember that you were happy when we were together and I was suicidal whereas now I'm positively giddy and you're miserable - you don't get credit for my glee, so how about you stop blaming me for your unhappiness, ok? I sure as hell didn't get any credit for when you were happy before and you'd better believe you weren't going to take any of the blame for me being suicidal even if I had wanted to place it on you.
God. It was one thing when I would do or say things that would get all polluted and twisted so that calling me a bitch would be considered justifiable, but getting all in a fit when I've done nothing is just pathetic. We stopped being right for each other. That's all. Get over it.

Power to the people

Because I have class tonight and will be handing in my final research paper, I decided to read it over one last time just to make sure I am still happy with it. (Yes, I'm at work, and should be doing actual work, but whatever) And, I'm so taken with this company that I wrote my paper on that I just had to share.
See, I found this story about a company, Eskom, in South Africa that supplies most of the power for the whole country. And I'm pretty fascinated by them for two reasons. One, working in a power plant and seeing how things work for a company on the other side of the world is pretty neat. And for two, this is a company that pretty much set the standard for how companies in South Africa should be managed post-apartheid. I mean, this is a government owned power company, operating in a country where it was illegal to hire nonwhites for most jobs and illegal to supply nonwhites with any sort of means to support themselves - like electricity (the thinking being - if you're too young to remember apartheid - was that if they just left them to their own devices, they'd all move back to their "homelands" and leave the fat cat whites in peace). But as far back as the 60's, Eskom basically gave a big ol' finger to the government and started hiring blacks for whites only jobs. A power company. A government owned power company. That's crazy talk. They weren't some little forward thinking left-wing operated software company or anything. No, they were the kind of company that for all intents and purposes should have been banging the drum for following apartheid rule. But, someone got it into their head that they shouldn't and just ran with the idea. Now the Chairman of the Board is a guy who didn't used to even be allowed to use the toilets there because he's black. Now they have the only female station manager in the entire world. Now hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of blacks (who make up 79% of the population) finally have electricity instead of candles and kerosene. I find them amazing. Way to hope and pray that change will come and be a part of making it happen. Good on them.
I just had to share that. =)

Last period dotted and done!

I just finished my final research paper for this class! I'm so pleased! I also finished all of the reading material last Friday! Wahoo!! That means that for the next two weeks, all I have to do is show up and also study for the final exam. But I think with short review checks every day between now and then and then one final cram session at the end, I'll be fine. Just fine.
Man, I totally just felt my whole body just loosen up like I'd just popped a vicodin or something. I had no idea how much this class had me wound up. =)

You like me! You really like me!

In the span of just a couple of days this last weekend, I got a chance to see and hang out at least briefly with two old friends who I haven't seen since the breakup. And I have to say, I am so glad I got those chances. Chestnut had tried to convince me that all of his friends actually hated me and that was part of his logic for leaving in the first place (apparently that logic doesn't apply to his new girlfriend who from the sounds of it is pretty unanimously despised). And not hearing from them for all this time, sort of made me wonder if that had really been true. Turns out it's not. And that makes me so happy! I had been so much more upset over the lost friends than over anything else that happened in the breakup. And, yeah, they all have this weird pack loyalty, so I doubt they'll ever call wanting to get together or anything. But, it's nice to know that if I bump into them in my travels, they're not going to go running the other direction. =)

I have warm fuzzies!

I hate being hungover at 4 in the afternoon

This is so not productive!

Goal check

OK, I set myself a goal at the end of '06 to be productive with all of my time. Not more productive, rather always productive. Make every moment that I'm awake count for something. So, we're now past the first month of the year, and I wanted to take a look back and decide if I've been meeting that goal or if I've just been keeping busy. Also wanted to determine if this was really a realistic goal and whether or not I needed to modify it at all before I get too committed to it. The answers are yes, yes, and not particularly.
Even my down time, what little there is of it, is filled with little purposes. The couple of times a week that I get to just sit down and watch some boob tube, I'm still working on something - usually knitting something for myself or someone else, or catching up on emails with people. But the rest of my time is chock full of goodness. On the bus to and from work, I'm reading my textbook (or WSJ that I hate reading) for my NEU class. At work, I'm kept so busy I can't figure out how I was ever able to get away with just hanging out on MySpace all day long. On my breaks at work, I'm working on my stand-up assignments - reading my comedy books or writing my material. After work I have class 2 out of 5 nights, and the other nights I'm doing my notes for one or the other. And on the weekends, I'm writing research papers, writing comedy material, running errands, and if I'm really really lucky (which I haven't been in weeks) getting cleaning done around the house. I'd have more time for things like cleaning (and eating) if it wasn't for the need to spend time with friends. But losing out on time with them would make the rest of it completely worthless. So, I figure going out for drinks (or trivia, or bowling, or brunch, or whatever) is just as productive as the rest of it. Gotta keep my sanity, right?
So all in all, I think my goal was a good one, and I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it. The only question now is: what in the hell am I going to do with all my free time when I'm in Australia and Japan for 3 weeks this summer? Crap. I sort of asked that question just being silly, but thinking about it, that could be problematic. I'll probably get so bored with all of the rest and relaxation that I'll come back with several full novels written. =)

Prying eyes

So, one of my email accounts has developed a tic lately. And, it just occurred to me why it's doing that. Seems to me, someone has my email passwords. My first reaction was to change them all. But really, I don't care. It's a slimeball thing to do, but I'm pretty up front with who I am anyway, so it's not like there are deep dark secrets in there. And if that person is reading my emails, they're undoubtedly reading this as well. I'd rather they stop reading them of their own volition and go to bed with a guilty conscience knowing that I've pegged them.

I can't feel my face

It's 7 degrees with a windchill making it feel -15. I should really quit smoking...

The couples of Boston

I'm not actually sure if this is a sign of my self-esteem or of bitterness, but this has really been bugging me lately. In Boston, more than anywhere else I've ever lived, there's this epidemic of couples who are together not because they're in love, and not even because they particularly like one another, but rather because they're too insecure to deal with being alone. That bugs the shit out of me. And I'm not sure why it's so much more prevalent here than in other cities, but I noticed it almost immediately after I moved here. I don't know, maybe it's something in the water that I'm apparently immune to. It's insane. I'll be talking to someone about her boyfriend and she'll be like, "Um, yeah, guess he's OK. Whatever. But I should give it my best for at least another few months." Dude, if you have to convince yourself to stick it out for a few more months, then why in the hell are you with him or her? If you've been married for 20 years I could understand, but hello, there's no ring, no kids, and no love. Go be with someone else. You deserve it. Am I the only one who grasps the obviousness of this? Or another one of my favorites is the guy who's "just in it for the sex" with a girl who gushes about how in love she is. To him I say, after about the third time, you're in it for more than just the sex whether you like it or not - and no, she doesn't realize that's all it is, because you haven't explained that to her because you're a moron. To her I say, well actually, to her I say run with it - she won't listen to a word I say until she's been dropkicked a few times anyway.
I'm telling you, the cold in Boston has nothing to do with geography, and everything to do with thousands of bitter relationships. I think we need to start doing key parties around here just to mix things up a bit and get people realizing that they have more options than just the person standing in front of them. And I don't mean to sound all superior or anything, but the reason I'm still friends with all but two of my exes is because I don't waste my time with people I don't like. Duh. (The other two turned into people I didn't like after the fact - I didn't get much say in the matter)
OK, I'm done bitching about this for right now. But be warned: if you're in a loveless relationship that you're too stubborn or too stupid to get out of, do not tell me. I'd rather push you into traffic than try to talk sense into you.

Singleness revisited

Yeah, I'm thinking that this whole dating business has to go. I'm so wiped out after weeks of being on the go from the moment I wake up until my head finally hits the pillow (usually several hours later than it should). And, it's not that I mind so much, but I have friends that I haven't had a chance to hang out with since before Christmas!! With the exception of my ego, there's no reason why these guys should be getting priority over my friends. I've got great friends who stuck by me even though I pushed them off to the sideline during my last relationship. And it would be one thing if I was actually in a real relationship again with someone right now. They'd forgive me. But I'm not in a relationship and I plan to keep it that way. Just dating, thanks. In fact, I asked one guy to lose my number because he's someone I could absolutely fall head over heels in love with, and I can't allow that to happen. I don't want to find myself in the situation again come fall where I have to decide between moving and being with someone. Wild horses couldn't make me stay in Boston for another winter. Especially not for a person again.
So, there it is. I just had to write that out to make it real. There's going to be at least one broken heart over this, but that's OK. Better now than later (and, I did try to warn 'em not to get too attached to me right from the get-go). And there's one guy who I really hope I can shuffle over to the friends category instead. But otherwise, anyone who isn't OK with me needing to put my friends first, I don't have time for anyway. So there. Pfffttttt!!

Singleness

I have two dates in one day tomorrow. This is a good thing, right? So, how come I'm wishing I could just stay home and do my homework all day instead? And if I'm wishing I could just do my work, then how come I keep saying yes when people ask me out? Isn't there a way that I can get the kind of ego strokes I've been getting lately without it interfering with my already busy schedule? Perhaps I'm asking too much. Then again, I'm probably just tired and will be much more motivated once I've had a good night's sleep tonight. Speaking of which, I should go do that.
Life's amazing...but damn am I exhausted.

Thank you

Just wanted to give a big shout out to Johnny to say thanks for leaving me. I really had no idea what I was missing out on. I seriously couldn't do half of the things I'm doing now if we were still together. So, thanks. I owe you one.

Grumbly in my tumbly

Seriously, my stomach is making so much noise at me right now that it's keeping me awake. It's making the same sorts of sounds that an old house does on a windy night. (Minus the wind, fortunately for the cats). Creaking, grumbling, moaning, plus a little gurgly sputter that I can feel just under my left lung.

Hey, tummy, how about you shut the hell up and let me get some sleep?! Gosh! You'd think I hadn't fed you in days!!

Winter bites!

It's official. It's winter in Boston. We got fooled there for a while, and just last weekend I watched convertibles driving by with their tops down. Not today though, man. We took the plunge from the nice balmy 50's and 60's of late down into the single digits with a wind chill dropping it down into the negative territory. Brrrrrrrr! Luckily for us here in the city, the ice storm that swept across the country managed to divert it's path on it's eastern trajectory. Nonetheless, cars that have driven down from New Hampshire still have a coating of thick ice despite the long commute. And, thousands of residents to our north are without power during this icy attack. So, I suppose I should be grateful that my heat is still on and my street hasn't turned into a bumper car track. But, it is always right about now that I start longing for Key West.

Anyhow, life's starting to get more manageable after this past chaotic week. The research paper has been written, proof read, and printed to turn in at tonight's class. And, tomorrow after work I go to pick up my shiny new car. Then it's a three day weekend for me, and I know just what to do with it. Thursday night, Ben will be back in town for a reunion show with Mercury Charm Offensive (yay!). For those who don't know, this was the band that was going to be the beginning of my record label until they disbanded and scattered across the country. So, I'll be really happy to see them perform together again. And as it turns out, one of the other bands on the bill that night is the band of my friend Mike's brother-in-law. I absolutely adore Mike's sister and her husband, and I've never had a chance to see his band, so I'm excited about the lineup! Friday I think I'll take advantage of the fact that most people will be at work and do all of those errands that have been putting off until I had a car again (like buying a whole new wardrobe since nothing fits me anymore). And either Saturday or Sunday I'll devote the entire day to doing school work. But somewhere in the mix this weekend there is a date with Poet and another date with Composer. And hopefully a chance to spend time with Mike who I haven't seen since before Christmas. With any luck, at least one of those guys will want to help me with one of my assignments for my stand-up class which is to watch a comedy and critique it. Probably the only homework I can get anyone to actually volunteer to be a part of. =)

So, yeah, things are going swimmingly. The weird thing is though, I sort of feel guilty about how well things are going for me right now. These stupid little currents of drama keep sucking in otherwise perfectly sensible people with the rumors, the gossip, the infidelities, the drinking, the backbiting, the drinking, the drinking, the infidelity, ad nauseum. I know that I shouldn't feel bad that my life's going well, because things are going well because I made them that way. And it feels damn good to be back in the drivers seat again. It's nice that when I spend time with people, it's intentional and not just because I'm bored or need someone to keep me company while I drink (and oddly, in limiting who I hang out with and why, I'm out with friends more now than ever. Curious.). And I like that even though everything is at a breakneck pace that I can barely keep up with, when I finally crawl into bed at night I go to sleep with a profound sense of satisfaction knowing that every second of it was absolutely worth it. But I can't help censoring myself when I'm talking to some people, knowing how rotten things are going all over the place. It's either keep my joy to myself or shake them violently and shout, "Look! See what happens when you grab the fucking reins and go?!? It's time to crawl out of that narrow little pigeonhole you've dug yourself into and live!!". But that seems somewhat insensitive. Oh, hell. I don't know. All I know is that when you keep away from drama, drama keeps away from you.

Anyway, that's the story as I know it. It's back to the grind I go....

It ain't easy being young

Oh, will the drama never end? I'm actually getting quite tired of that particular word, "drama", but it really does encompass the soap-opera like quality that the lives all around me have taken as of late. And, it's sort of fitting to me that I tried to distance myself from the drama so many months ago and was soundly berated for it by the same people who are bemoaning just how deeply they're entrenched in it now. Not that I want them to be suffering through it or anything, but it just goes to prove to myself how wisely I chose.
Anyway, we've had another breakup. And, I have to say I saw it coming, but I never did see the shit hitting the fan the way that it did. Totally took me by surprise. But, there are just some mistakes of the young and stupid that have to be made before you can be old and dumb. I decided a while back that if I had once been guilty of the same stupid behavior then I wouldn't comment on anyone else's repetition of it. Yup, failure's going to happen. But, my interfering won't change that and is akin to the old expression about teaching a pig to sing. So, my job is to play big sister and sit back, watch, lead by example when possible, give advice when asked, and wait for the dust ups to help pick 'em back up and point 'em back on the road again.
I have to say though, much as I feel bad for the parties involved, and much as I'm going to try to help in whatever way I can, I'm so glad that my own stresses are so much more fulfilling and meaningful these days. I'd rather come home to writing a research paper any day over the general pettiness of youth.

Blarg

What a freakin' week it has been! Mentioned my comedy class already, and then on Wednesday had my first class over at NEU. That class would be much better had he posted the syllabus before we got started so I could have known that he wanted us to have already read 4 chapters from the text book by then. Now I have to read those 4 chapters from the first week (which would normally have been 2 weeks worth of work, but this is a condensed intensive course), another 4 for this week, read the whole Wall Street Journal (yay), and write a research paper by Wednesday night! Ack! All of this while I'm trying to buy a new car, and trying to juggle several new men in my life (who of course waited until now to want to see me all the time...where were you when I was sitting at home knitting?!!?). I am so wiped out I can't even explain it. And my head is spinning because I have to reteach myself how to read a book now that I'm reading to be tested rather than for fun. Ugh!
Next week will be better though once I'm just dealing with one week's worth of assignments from both classes. And, hopefully by the end of the week I will have my new car on the road so it's not taking me a million years to run what should otherwise be very quick errands. Oh, and this is the car that I want to buy:



Ain't she cute? I know, some people hate the way these cars look, but I'm one of the people who dig the shit out of them. And it meets all of my requirements; has to be practical, reliable, efficient, and can't look like every other damn car out there. And for added bonuses, I can get a bike now since I can just store it in my car out of site rather than allow it to be stolen off the street, and it's only a few inches longer than my old del Sol, so parking in the city is no problem. =) It's also not a scary gas-guzzling SUV (get's better mileage than a lot of the cars that I looked at), and has really low emmissions. Go green, go! All in all, I'm pleased. Now I just need to run it by Dad who is the one who will find any flaws in my logic for going for this particular car. But, I'm pretty sure my logic is sound, in which case I'll have a new car by Friday (provided I quit blogging right now and get back to my homework).
Oh, and work? Yeah, why can't things at work calm down for me when everything else is going nuts? Is that really so much to ask? =)

Just bitching...

Argh!! So, one of Johnny's friends, who I actually like a lot and really miss, just said to me "although we're completely out of touch, and kind of have to be, I hope you're well". I know he's trying to be nice here, but that sentence absolutely enrages me!! And here's why: first, who the fuck says we "have to be" out of touch? What's going to happen, you'll get zapped by the electric fence around your yard? Or is your leash too short for you to even get that far? Second, we're talking about a person who went through a breakup himself a couple of years ago, and guess what? Everyone was still allowed to talk to him and to his ex-girlfriend. Same was true of another couple in that gang who broke up, and they broke up under even more hostile circumstances. So, what makes Johnny so fucking high and mighty that he can tell people they can't talk to his ex anymore? Fucking hell, when did these people turn into such fucking sheep? Grow some fucking balls people. It's a shame you losers will let other people tell you who you can or can't be friends with, otherwise I might actually miss you. Grr.

Assumptions

OK, Monday night was my first stand-up comedy class. Pretty cool if you ask me. Nice small group of only 6 students plus an instructor on crack. We were all chatting about the size of the class and one of the biggest drawbacks is that for that first class, everyone really felt the spotlight on them so it took us a little while to warm up to the idea of throwing out bad jokes in front of each other. But, I think in the end it will turn out to be a really good thing, because it will be really easy for us all to get comfortable with one another and everyone will get more time workshopping their own material with everyone. So, that's a plus. And, all of us come from really different backgrounds, which makes for an interesting mix. I already have my personal favorites in the group, but just in case you come see our show (April 2), I won't bias your opinion just yet. =)
Anyway, as it turns out, this class might actually be harder work than the program I'm doing at Northeastern (we'll see - my first class over there is tonight). I already have a bunch of homework assignments, and a list of recommended reading/viewing to check out. Granted, some of the homework is fun stuff like watching some sort of comedy and critiquing it, but one of the assignments is really messing with my head already. I have to make a list of assumptions that people make about me, which sounded easy at first, but it's way harder than I ever imagined. I've spent most of my life making sure that no one knows what to assume out of me, so I'm sort of stumped. I know that almost everyone assumes I'm much younger than I am, and that I'm very self-assured (neither of which I'm going to argue with one bit). And, I've heard a couple of totally wrong assumptions about me, like that I would never swear or smoke a cigarette. But beyond that? No clue. And it also really depends on who is making the assumptions. Our instructor (rather, ringleader) guessed right off the bat that I have "hippie tendencies", but other people are shocked when I say that I once worked for the Sierra Club. Well, at least I have some time to come up with some good ones, both true and untrue.
And tonight is HR at NEU. Appropriately enough, my first foray back into the college life will take place in the chemistry building. Dad would be proud. =) I know that I can totally pull this off, it's just a question of whether I will or not. Only time will tell!

A note on partying

Certain people have asked me why it is I shy away from the big partying that I was once so famous for, and I've tried to explain this as best I can, but you'd just have to be in my own head to really get it. But, there is a very good reason why I only go out for a big blowout once every couple of months, and Friday night was a prime example of that. Yes, I had a great time. Yes, I met lots of awesome people. Yes, the whole night seemed entirely designed to stroke my ego (I was given more phone numbers in the first hour of the evening than I've been given in an entire year, and there were many more hours that followed). But, there's no good reason why I made it home in one piece. None. When I go out, I have two speeds: on and off. And, it's a miracle to me that I've survived some of my "on" nights. So, until the next time that I get bored and want a kickstart (or until I give up on seeing my friend Kathy in any other circumstances), I'm going back to being an old lady for a while here. At least until the manic schedule of the classes I'm taking ends in 6 weeks. And, god willing, my unbelievable luck will continue to hold.

I want my car!!

I'm so frustrated right now that I still don't have my car back. I just called my insurance company to find out what's going on since I know the other insurance company sent out an appraiser two days ago. They tell me that the "liability is still under investigation". Ugh! You've got to be kidding me! It is physically impossible for me to have done that damage to my own car, so what is there to investigate? Ferchrissake!! It's not that I need my car all that badly on a day to day basis, but I really wanted to go see John in NYC for his birthday in a week, and not having an insurance check in my hand today to get the body shop started on it, I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to go. =( And, seeing as I'm suddenly a thousand dollars poorer because of a crafty evil ex of mine, I don't have a lot of other options. Grr! Ah, well, at least since I had to cancel two of the classes I was going to start taking because of the money issue, I no longer have to figure out how I'm going to get to them after work without a car. Small consolation.
I want my car back!!

Rrrrrough!

You know that time that I said I wasn't going out for New Years Eve because I was sick? Remember that time? Yeah, that didn't happen. And there's nothing like walking in my front door at 7 in the morning knowing just how much I'm going to hurt when I wake up. And boy do I hurt. My whole head feels like it's been ground up into sausages, and my butt hurts like hell from slipping and falling on icy stairs.
But, the good news is, this single girl is officially back in effin' action, baby! And boy were some of the other single women pissed that after they had been working their charm dials up to 11 all night while I just sat quietly by with all of the couples, somehow I ended up the belle of the ball. Didn't even try, even if I had remembered how to. But feeling as physically shredded as I do right now, I'm hoping that these dates I have lined up make it all worth it.
And now to make the trek to the laundromat in the rain with laundry in tow, just praying that they're actually open today.