V-Day

Well, it's that time of year again. Valentine's Day. First time in a lot of years that I've been single for it, and I was actually sort of looking forward to it. But now that we're here, it turns out it's sort of a crappy day. And this morning as I was getting dressed, all I was thinking was that I wanted to wear a sweater so it didn't even register that I had put on my red sweater. Now I have to explain to people that no, I'm not in the spirit, I'm merely supporting Heart Disease Awareness Month.

Last year at this time I came home from work and Johnny had laid out the table with a box of chocolates, a rose, a bottle of really good wine from Chateau Ste. Michelle (my favorite) and a pair of diamond earrings. It was so classy and unexpected I was teary eyed. Then after I made us some dinner, we went out for our semi-traditional viewing of Casablanca over at the Brattle Theater. I remember that as such a beautiful evening with just the two of us. It was our first Valentine's Day living together in our apartment, and we were so happy together back then and so in love with each other (or at least I thought he was).

This year's a little different. My Haglund's is causing a limp (one part bursitis, one part Achilles tendonitis - all because I have ballerina feet), there's a gross Nor'easter sweeping through with needles of sleet, and I have a final exam tonight. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for all of the good things I have going on right now, because I wouldn't change any of it for the world, but I can't help feeling a little melancholy. I admit it, I miss being in love. I miss the old Johnny. I miss the sweet surprises both given and received. I miss there being someone waiting at home for me who will rub my feet and melt my worries away. And damnit I wish I could have it all. But I chose this path on my own. And even if Chestnut hadn't forced me to make the choice in the first place, I would have still chosen it eventually. I had to. It was the right choice to make. But I'm not too proud to admit that there are certain things from my old life that I wish I could have back. If only for one day.

Fuck Valentine's Day.