Prying eyes

So, one of my email accounts has developed a tic lately. And, it just occurred to me why it's doing that. Seems to me, someone has my email passwords. My first reaction was to change them all. But really, I don't care. It's a slimeball thing to do, but I'm pretty up front with who I am anyway, so it's not like there are deep dark secrets in there. And if that person is reading my emails, they're undoubtedly reading this as well. I'd rather they stop reading them of their own volition and go to bed with a guilty conscience knowing that I've pegged them.

I can't feel my face

It's 7 degrees with a windchill making it feel -15. I should really quit smoking...

The couples of Boston

I'm not actually sure if this is a sign of my self-esteem or of bitterness, but this has really been bugging me lately. In Boston, more than anywhere else I've ever lived, there's this epidemic of couples who are together not because they're in love, and not even because they particularly like one another, but rather because they're too insecure to deal with being alone. That bugs the shit out of me. And I'm not sure why it's so much more prevalent here than in other cities, but I noticed it almost immediately after I moved here. I don't know, maybe it's something in the water that I'm apparently immune to. It's insane. I'll be talking to someone about her boyfriend and she'll be like, "Um, yeah, guess he's OK. Whatever. But I should give it my best for at least another few months." Dude, if you have to convince yourself to stick it out for a few more months, then why in the hell are you with him or her? If you've been married for 20 years I could understand, but hello, there's no ring, no kids, and no love. Go be with someone else. You deserve it. Am I the only one who grasps the obviousness of this? Or another one of my favorites is the guy who's "just in it for the sex" with a girl who gushes about how in love she is. To him I say, after about the third time, you're in it for more than just the sex whether you like it or not - and no, she doesn't realize that's all it is, because you haven't explained that to her because you're a moron. To her I say, well actually, to her I say run with it - she won't listen to a word I say until she's been dropkicked a few times anyway.
I'm telling you, the cold in Boston has nothing to do with geography, and everything to do with thousands of bitter relationships. I think we need to start doing key parties around here just to mix things up a bit and get people realizing that they have more options than just the person standing in front of them. And I don't mean to sound all superior or anything, but the reason I'm still friends with all but two of my exes is because I don't waste my time with people I don't like. Duh. (The other two turned into people I didn't like after the fact - I didn't get much say in the matter)
OK, I'm done bitching about this for right now. But be warned: if you're in a loveless relationship that you're too stubborn or too stupid to get out of, do not tell me. I'd rather push you into traffic than try to talk sense into you.

Singleness revisited

Yeah, I'm thinking that this whole dating business has to go. I'm so wiped out after weeks of being on the go from the moment I wake up until my head finally hits the pillow (usually several hours later than it should). And, it's not that I mind so much, but I have friends that I haven't had a chance to hang out with since before Christmas!! With the exception of my ego, there's no reason why these guys should be getting priority over my friends. I've got great friends who stuck by me even though I pushed them off to the sideline during my last relationship. And it would be one thing if I was actually in a real relationship again with someone right now. They'd forgive me. But I'm not in a relationship and I plan to keep it that way. Just dating, thanks. In fact, I asked one guy to lose my number because he's someone I could absolutely fall head over heels in love with, and I can't allow that to happen. I don't want to find myself in the situation again come fall where I have to decide between moving and being with someone. Wild horses couldn't make me stay in Boston for another winter. Especially not for a person again.
So, there it is. I just had to write that out to make it real. There's going to be at least one broken heart over this, but that's OK. Better now than later (and, I did try to warn 'em not to get too attached to me right from the get-go). And there's one guy who I really hope I can shuffle over to the friends category instead. But otherwise, anyone who isn't OK with me needing to put my friends first, I don't have time for anyway. So there. Pfffttttt!!

Singleness

I have two dates in one day tomorrow. This is a good thing, right? So, how come I'm wishing I could just stay home and do my homework all day instead? And if I'm wishing I could just do my work, then how come I keep saying yes when people ask me out? Isn't there a way that I can get the kind of ego strokes I've been getting lately without it interfering with my already busy schedule? Perhaps I'm asking too much. Then again, I'm probably just tired and will be much more motivated once I've had a good night's sleep tonight. Speaking of which, I should go do that.
Life's amazing...but damn am I exhausted.

Thank you

Just wanted to give a big shout out to Johnny to say thanks for leaving me. I really had no idea what I was missing out on. I seriously couldn't do half of the things I'm doing now if we were still together. So, thanks. I owe you one.

Grumbly in my tumbly

Seriously, my stomach is making so much noise at me right now that it's keeping me awake. It's making the same sorts of sounds that an old house does on a windy night. (Minus the wind, fortunately for the cats). Creaking, grumbling, moaning, plus a little gurgly sputter that I can feel just under my left lung.

Hey, tummy, how about you shut the hell up and let me get some sleep?! Gosh! You'd think I hadn't fed you in days!!

Winter bites!

It's official. It's winter in Boston. We got fooled there for a while, and just last weekend I watched convertibles driving by with their tops down. Not today though, man. We took the plunge from the nice balmy 50's and 60's of late down into the single digits with a wind chill dropping it down into the negative territory. Brrrrrrrr! Luckily for us here in the city, the ice storm that swept across the country managed to divert it's path on it's eastern trajectory. Nonetheless, cars that have driven down from New Hampshire still have a coating of thick ice despite the long commute. And, thousands of residents to our north are without power during this icy attack. So, I suppose I should be grateful that my heat is still on and my street hasn't turned into a bumper car track. But, it is always right about now that I start longing for Key West.

Anyhow, life's starting to get more manageable after this past chaotic week. The research paper has been written, proof read, and printed to turn in at tonight's class. And, tomorrow after work I go to pick up my shiny new car. Then it's a three day weekend for me, and I know just what to do with it. Thursday night, Ben will be back in town for a reunion show with Mercury Charm Offensive (yay!). For those who don't know, this was the band that was going to be the beginning of my record label until they disbanded and scattered across the country. So, I'll be really happy to see them perform together again. And as it turns out, one of the other bands on the bill that night is the band of my friend Mike's brother-in-law. I absolutely adore Mike's sister and her husband, and I've never had a chance to see his band, so I'm excited about the lineup! Friday I think I'll take advantage of the fact that most people will be at work and do all of those errands that have been putting off until I had a car again (like buying a whole new wardrobe since nothing fits me anymore). And either Saturday or Sunday I'll devote the entire day to doing school work. But somewhere in the mix this weekend there is a date with Poet and another date with Composer. And hopefully a chance to spend time with Mike who I haven't seen since before Christmas. With any luck, at least one of those guys will want to help me with one of my assignments for my stand-up class which is to watch a comedy and critique it. Probably the only homework I can get anyone to actually volunteer to be a part of. =)

So, yeah, things are going swimmingly. The weird thing is though, I sort of feel guilty about how well things are going for me right now. These stupid little currents of drama keep sucking in otherwise perfectly sensible people with the rumors, the gossip, the infidelities, the drinking, the backbiting, the drinking, the drinking, the infidelity, ad nauseum. I know that I shouldn't feel bad that my life's going well, because things are going well because I made them that way. And it feels damn good to be back in the drivers seat again. It's nice that when I spend time with people, it's intentional and not just because I'm bored or need someone to keep me company while I drink (and oddly, in limiting who I hang out with and why, I'm out with friends more now than ever. Curious.). And I like that even though everything is at a breakneck pace that I can barely keep up with, when I finally crawl into bed at night I go to sleep with a profound sense of satisfaction knowing that every second of it was absolutely worth it. But I can't help censoring myself when I'm talking to some people, knowing how rotten things are going all over the place. It's either keep my joy to myself or shake them violently and shout, "Look! See what happens when you grab the fucking reins and go?!? It's time to crawl out of that narrow little pigeonhole you've dug yourself into and live!!". But that seems somewhat insensitive. Oh, hell. I don't know. All I know is that when you keep away from drama, drama keeps away from you.

Anyway, that's the story as I know it. It's back to the grind I go....

It ain't easy being young

Oh, will the drama never end? I'm actually getting quite tired of that particular word, "drama", but it really does encompass the soap-opera like quality that the lives all around me have taken as of late. And, it's sort of fitting to me that I tried to distance myself from the drama so many months ago and was soundly berated for it by the same people who are bemoaning just how deeply they're entrenched in it now. Not that I want them to be suffering through it or anything, but it just goes to prove to myself how wisely I chose.
Anyway, we've had another breakup. And, I have to say I saw it coming, but I never did see the shit hitting the fan the way that it did. Totally took me by surprise. But, there are just some mistakes of the young and stupid that have to be made before you can be old and dumb. I decided a while back that if I had once been guilty of the same stupid behavior then I wouldn't comment on anyone else's repetition of it. Yup, failure's going to happen. But, my interfering won't change that and is akin to the old expression about teaching a pig to sing. So, my job is to play big sister and sit back, watch, lead by example when possible, give advice when asked, and wait for the dust ups to help pick 'em back up and point 'em back on the road again.
I have to say though, much as I feel bad for the parties involved, and much as I'm going to try to help in whatever way I can, I'm so glad that my own stresses are so much more fulfilling and meaningful these days. I'd rather come home to writing a research paper any day over the general pettiness of youth.

Blarg

What a freakin' week it has been! Mentioned my comedy class already, and then on Wednesday had my first class over at NEU. That class would be much better had he posted the syllabus before we got started so I could have known that he wanted us to have already read 4 chapters from the text book by then. Now I have to read those 4 chapters from the first week (which would normally have been 2 weeks worth of work, but this is a condensed intensive course), another 4 for this week, read the whole Wall Street Journal (yay), and write a research paper by Wednesday night! Ack! All of this while I'm trying to buy a new car, and trying to juggle several new men in my life (who of course waited until now to want to see me all the time...where were you when I was sitting at home knitting?!!?). I am so wiped out I can't even explain it. And my head is spinning because I have to reteach myself how to read a book now that I'm reading to be tested rather than for fun. Ugh!
Next week will be better though once I'm just dealing with one week's worth of assignments from both classes. And, hopefully by the end of the week I will have my new car on the road so it's not taking me a million years to run what should otherwise be very quick errands. Oh, and this is the car that I want to buy:



Ain't she cute? I know, some people hate the way these cars look, but I'm one of the people who dig the shit out of them. And it meets all of my requirements; has to be practical, reliable, efficient, and can't look like every other damn car out there. And for added bonuses, I can get a bike now since I can just store it in my car out of site rather than allow it to be stolen off the street, and it's only a few inches longer than my old del Sol, so parking in the city is no problem. =) It's also not a scary gas-guzzling SUV (get's better mileage than a lot of the cars that I looked at), and has really low emmissions. Go green, go! All in all, I'm pleased. Now I just need to run it by Dad who is the one who will find any flaws in my logic for going for this particular car. But, I'm pretty sure my logic is sound, in which case I'll have a new car by Friday (provided I quit blogging right now and get back to my homework).
Oh, and work? Yeah, why can't things at work calm down for me when everything else is going nuts? Is that really so much to ask? =)

Just bitching...

Argh!! So, one of Johnny's friends, who I actually like a lot and really miss, just said to me "although we're completely out of touch, and kind of have to be, I hope you're well". I know he's trying to be nice here, but that sentence absolutely enrages me!! And here's why: first, who the fuck says we "have to be" out of touch? What's going to happen, you'll get zapped by the electric fence around your yard? Or is your leash too short for you to even get that far? Second, we're talking about a person who went through a breakup himself a couple of years ago, and guess what? Everyone was still allowed to talk to him and to his ex-girlfriend. Same was true of another couple in that gang who broke up, and they broke up under even more hostile circumstances. So, what makes Johnny so fucking high and mighty that he can tell people they can't talk to his ex anymore? Fucking hell, when did these people turn into such fucking sheep? Grow some fucking balls people. It's a shame you losers will let other people tell you who you can or can't be friends with, otherwise I might actually miss you. Grr.

Assumptions

OK, Monday night was my first stand-up comedy class. Pretty cool if you ask me. Nice small group of only 6 students plus an instructor on crack. We were all chatting about the size of the class and one of the biggest drawbacks is that for that first class, everyone really felt the spotlight on them so it took us a little while to warm up to the idea of throwing out bad jokes in front of each other. But, I think in the end it will turn out to be a really good thing, because it will be really easy for us all to get comfortable with one another and everyone will get more time workshopping their own material with everyone. So, that's a plus. And, all of us come from really different backgrounds, which makes for an interesting mix. I already have my personal favorites in the group, but just in case you come see our show (April 2), I won't bias your opinion just yet. =)
Anyway, as it turns out, this class might actually be harder work than the program I'm doing at Northeastern (we'll see - my first class over there is tonight). I already have a bunch of homework assignments, and a list of recommended reading/viewing to check out. Granted, some of the homework is fun stuff like watching some sort of comedy and critiquing it, but one of the assignments is really messing with my head already. I have to make a list of assumptions that people make about me, which sounded easy at first, but it's way harder than I ever imagined. I've spent most of my life making sure that no one knows what to assume out of me, so I'm sort of stumped. I know that almost everyone assumes I'm much younger than I am, and that I'm very self-assured (neither of which I'm going to argue with one bit). And, I've heard a couple of totally wrong assumptions about me, like that I would never swear or smoke a cigarette. But beyond that? No clue. And it also really depends on who is making the assumptions. Our instructor (rather, ringleader) guessed right off the bat that I have "hippie tendencies", but other people are shocked when I say that I once worked for the Sierra Club. Well, at least I have some time to come up with some good ones, both true and untrue.
And tonight is HR at NEU. Appropriately enough, my first foray back into the college life will take place in the chemistry building. Dad would be proud. =) I know that I can totally pull this off, it's just a question of whether I will or not. Only time will tell!

A note on partying

Certain people have asked me why it is I shy away from the big partying that I was once so famous for, and I've tried to explain this as best I can, but you'd just have to be in my own head to really get it. But, there is a very good reason why I only go out for a big blowout once every couple of months, and Friday night was a prime example of that. Yes, I had a great time. Yes, I met lots of awesome people. Yes, the whole night seemed entirely designed to stroke my ego (I was given more phone numbers in the first hour of the evening than I've been given in an entire year, and there were many more hours that followed). But, there's no good reason why I made it home in one piece. None. When I go out, I have two speeds: on and off. And, it's a miracle to me that I've survived some of my "on" nights. So, until the next time that I get bored and want a kickstart (or until I give up on seeing my friend Kathy in any other circumstances), I'm going back to being an old lady for a while here. At least until the manic schedule of the classes I'm taking ends in 6 weeks. And, god willing, my unbelievable luck will continue to hold.

I want my car!!

I'm so frustrated right now that I still don't have my car back. I just called my insurance company to find out what's going on since I know the other insurance company sent out an appraiser two days ago. They tell me that the "liability is still under investigation". Ugh! You've got to be kidding me! It is physically impossible for me to have done that damage to my own car, so what is there to investigate? Ferchrissake!! It's not that I need my car all that badly on a day to day basis, but I really wanted to go see John in NYC for his birthday in a week, and not having an insurance check in my hand today to get the body shop started on it, I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to go. =( And, seeing as I'm suddenly a thousand dollars poorer because of a crafty evil ex of mine, I don't have a lot of other options. Grr! Ah, well, at least since I had to cancel two of the classes I was going to start taking because of the money issue, I no longer have to figure out how I'm going to get to them after work without a car. Small consolation.
I want my car back!!

Rrrrrough!

You know that time that I said I wasn't going out for New Years Eve because I was sick? Remember that time? Yeah, that didn't happen. And there's nothing like walking in my front door at 7 in the morning knowing just how much I'm going to hurt when I wake up. And boy do I hurt. My whole head feels like it's been ground up into sausages, and my butt hurts like hell from slipping and falling on icy stairs.
But, the good news is, this single girl is officially back in effin' action, baby! And boy were some of the other single women pissed that after they had been working their charm dials up to 11 all night while I just sat quietly by with all of the couples, somehow I ended up the belle of the ball. Didn't even try, even if I had remembered how to. But feeling as physically shredded as I do right now, I'm hoping that these dates I have lined up make it all worth it.
And now to make the trek to the laundromat in the rain with laundry in tow, just praying that they're actually open today.