My funeral/or moving forces

I am a nomadic soul. I have never claimed to be anything to the contrary. This is just who I am. I may force myself into some semblance of stability by staying places that I would otherwise leave, but my heart wants to keep on the move. As a result, I'm not someone who makes a lot of strong ties wherever I end up. I know I'm just going to pick up and leave some day, so I don't invest a lot of myself in forging deep friendships. Lots and lots of acquaintances, and I'm forever surrounded by people I really do care a great deal for, but I always keep my distance somewhat (this is also the reason why many people think I'm a snob, but who cares?).
I'm completely alright with this arrangement, as it has always suited me just fine. But the sole thing that sometimes slivers into my mind is that with no strong ties, who is going to show up at my funeral? Hell, with so many of the people I know being such fairweather friends, how many people would even know if I died? It's sort of a depressing thought, but really, in this scenario, I'd be dead anyway so what do I care?
But there's one thing that happens to me no matter where I live, and I always see it as my sign that it must be time to go. At some point, all of those acquaintances become true friendships - warts and all. I don't know what causes this to happen when I'm such an avoider, but happen it does. And it always happens shortly before I move away just like it's happened again now. If I died today, my funeral would turn into the second biggest party in town. Like I said, I don't know how this happens to someone like me. But I just roll with it knowing that my departure from these parts is surely eminent. And I just hope that when I do die, it's shortly before I leave a town so lots of people will show up for the funeral. =)

Sp'angin bones

Love is a battlefield

Damn my sister! I subscribe to the blog that she and her husband write, and they had a new post up today. Last weekend was their one year wedding anniversary, and to memorialize the occasion, they took a trip down memory lane remembering and sharing all of the events from the weekend of their wedding last April. Their blog was littered with pictures and memories reliving the entire weekend. And I know that I should look back on that weekend and be glad, but it just gives me this big empty feeling inside.

That entire weekend and the week that followed was a positively magical time for Johnny and me while we visited Seattle. And remembering all the joy I felt then only serves to remind me of the big hole in my heart. It's so much easier to think only with my short-term memory and tell myself that I hate him, but then I'm reminded of all the years before that. It almost makes me hate him more for having taken away from me something that was so incredibly beautiful. Despite everything that came after, I really did love him, and probably will until the day I die. And I would sell my soul to be able to go back in time and relive those years that were so amazing.

I'll live. I just don't want to hear anyone tell me how great love is, thanks. I already know. Don't remind me.

Today's horoscope

I love reading my horoscope every day:

"With sweet Venus back in your sign until May 8, you can be even more charming than usual. You must, however, be careful, for with the Moon in rebellious Aquarius, you might be tempted to ignore the rules of the road. Go ahead and engage in whatever lighthearted fun sounds good to you, but don't overstep anyone's boundaries or you might find yourself on the outside of your group of friends." Wednesday, April 11, 2007

For one thing, how could it even be possible for me to be more charming that usual? =P Not that it will do me any good today to be so charming seeing as I won't be around anyone except my co-workers and then tonight with my textbooks. No matter.
And that second bit about ignoring the rules of the road? Wait, there are rules? Shit.
In any case, I've found myself on the outside of my group of friends once already recently. It may not have been particularly pleasant, but I was still OK. I just kept on keepin' on and everything ended up working out OK in the end. Actually, probably better than OK now - there's nothing like a big shake up to cull the herd. =)
But I think I'll skip that bit about engaging in "whatever lighthearted fun sounds good", because the only fun that sounds good to me this evening is a big party (why on a Wednesday I will never understand) which will involve lots of drugs, alcohol, and dancing. None of which I have any business being anywhere near when I have a paper to write and a very long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Confused

I can't breathe for all the mixed signals the universe is throwing at me.

I take the left turn at Albuquerque only to spy shiny objects twinkling back at me from where I came.

I can't go back but I can't go forward.

Instead I go in circles in circles in circles in circles in circles in circles.

Just tell me what you fucking want!!
Give me a hint!
A clue!
Fucking smoke signals!
Something!

Which damn direction am I supposed to be headed in?

Are you coming with me or not?

Damnable pixies always confusing my head.
I want none of it!
I want all of it!

Watch the knife if you know what's good for you.

I'll kiss it make it better but it'll cost you maybe more than you are prepared to pay.

Wait for the dust to settle.

Wait for the dusk to settle.

Then we'll know.
We'll know the score.
The price of tea.
The sum of one and one.

How to confuse the pixies.

I think I'm faulty

Huh. Well, I guess my sinking feeling yesterday was just PMS or low blood sugar or something. Seems everyone's doing OK as far as I can tell. Yes, this is a good thing. I've just been wracking my brain all day trying to think if there's anyone I've forgotten, but I think we're good. Saw Dad and Dawn last night and they and the rest of the extended family are good. I've swapped emails with my seastars all day and they're good. And for the friends I haven't talked to since yesterday, I've been stalking their MySpace or blog pages all day just to be sure. =) Sometimes the EvilNetwork[tm] does come in handy.

I'm telling you though, there's something in the air in Boston that gets my radars all out of whack. Oh, bother!

Sinking

I have this horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I got out of the shower and suddenly had an "Oh, shit. Something is terribly wrong" moment. And I haven't been able to shake it all day. I hate getting feelings like this because too often I'm right. But knowing that something is wrong isn't any use if I don't know what it is. It's killing me, and there's nothing I can do about it. Someone will call if something serious has happened to one of my friends or family, I'm sure. I hope. And calling everyone I know only bums people out and makes them think I'm nuts. I hate feeling so helpless.

Pole dancing

Last night I went to see my friend Bob in his current play, "Conquest of the South Pole", and I must say I found it delightful. Who knew that unemployment and boredom in pre-Berlin Wall demise Germany could be so darn enjoyable, huh? I'll spare you my insufficient reviews and leave that to the experts:
The Dig
The Phoenix
Boston Globe

I recommend that all you locals go check it out:

Charlestown Working Theater
Thurs-Sat April 5-7 @ 8pm
Thurs-Sat April 12-14 @ 8pm

And, if you bring two friends with you, your ticket is free! And free is good!

Yeah, so I might be biased about the show because I think Bob is a dramatic genius, but he's my oldest friend in the whole wide world, so I have to think that. (I'm also a little bit biased because I've decided that one of the actors WILL be my future ex-boyfriend!) But it really is a great show and you should ALL go see it!

Sick sucks

There's nothing I hate more than waking up for the third morning in a row feeling like I've been run over by a train. A train filled with slime. I just want to crawl back under the covers and sleep all day long. Unfortunately, I have a new class starting up tonight, and as each of these classes is only 6 weeks long, I don't know that I can actually afford to miss one. I wish there was a way I could teleconference in from home in bed.

But here's the good news. My new phone arrived in the mail, and it is so super rad and adorable! I also finally received my new passport in the mail! Yay! (Bummer that all the overseas last-minute packages are really expensive again though) And I also got confirmation that my Management class grade will be changed to an A. Thank god.

So basically this week has been great just so long as I don't count the mucus and the weather.

I rock!

Yeah baby! I got an A in my Employment Law class! Who's a rockstar, huh? I was a little nervous with a grade that was based 100% on the final, and a final with 2 out of 5 cases that were real head scratchers. But I kicked ass! Just had to share. =)
Still waiting for my grade to be fixed for my other class, but I found out that I did indeed rock the final in that class, so even though it doesn't show up, I aced that class too. What's funny though, is that he apparently graded the class on a curve, so it's quite possible that I just lowered everyone else's grades in the class. Booyah!!

What a Monday

Well, I've gone and done it now! I did my standup show last night! Wahoo!! So much fun I could hardly stand it. All of my fellow comics rocked my socks off - I'm so proud of them!! I think I did alright, and everyone said I did, but I wouldn't really know - I was sort of nervous for about the first 20-30 seconds and then I don't really remember the rest of it. =) I know I forgot two jokes though. One I'm not so worried about skipping over. It would have added another few laughs, but no one knew it was supposed to be there so no one knows that I skipped it. Another joke though, I know people were expecting to come out of my mouth, so I'm a little bummed I missed it. Oh, well. I still had a fantastic time, and everyone there had a ball. As I expected, we totally filled the room and had to do a scramble to find more chairs for people, and it was quite the lively audience. (On a rather funny side note, before the place started to really fill up, all of my friends were already there and Michelle, another comic, comes in the room and says "Does it smell like pot in here or is it just me?". "Oh, sorry Michelle, that's just my friends. Don't mind them." Haha!) And Liz managed to not die from embarrassment when I made a whole joke setup about her. Devon managed not to panic that Liz was there. Donald didn't manage to figure out his Rubik's Cube. Doris didn't manage to hear my more raunchy jokes. Kathy actually managed to make it there before my set. And a bunch of my other friends all just plain laughed their asses off. Huzzah!

Next topic. So, I've been freaking out a little bit about Johnny. The shit that I've been hearing about him for weeks now really has me worried. So much so that I've started reaching out to some of his friends who I haven't spoken to in ages trying to get someone to do something to help him. Unfortunately, all I've been getting in response are more bitchfests about how much people can't stand him. Every time his name comes up there are newer more vile nicknames added to the list. I'm really scared for him, but no one seems to want to give him any support and I obviously can't do anything for him myself. This has been going on long enough that no one will be around him, so fortunately no one has gotten hurt lately that I'm aware of. But the latest and greatest was a fight that he had with one of his oldest friends in the world which left him in tears and apparently threatening suicide. And then, from what I hear he hasn't been home since then. I don't know, maybe he's figured out that his roommates are pissed off too. So I'm all in a fit because from the sounds of it, things have really gone too far so I ask his sister to please talk to him and make sure he's OK. But, I should have known better. She says to me last night "Oh, that stuff that happened. He's totally fine now. I talked to him the other day, and he's not really going to hurt himself or anything. HE'S FINE. DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT" Yeah, I didn't really mean for you to ask him if he's OK as a yes or no answer. But I guess she only has his word to go on seeing as she's now almost as much of a pariah as he is these days. I gotta say, it's weird how two people who were so idolized only recently have fallen so low in other people's eyes. I really should just stop worrying about other people. Blech.

OK, back to the fun stuff. So, after the show, and after I talked with Liz for a minute about her brother, I went to have a couple of drinks with my fellow comics over at the Rattlesnake. It was nice getting to hang out with all of them and just relax and talk and not be worrying over our sets anymore. It was also a really nice way to burn off all my frenetic energy. A wise woman once said that before your standup routine, do not drink, do not do drugs, and have a glass of water. After your standup routine...drink heavily. =) I didn't drink heavily, but I did have a couple just to wind down. But I ended up being a little short on sleep as a result which was just the ingredient needed for this head cold to finally catch up to me. So I'm home sick today. Blech again!!

Now it's me, my pjs, and bed. It's days like these I'm quite pleased to have a laptop. Now if only I had a robot maid to bring me more tea....