Tri-polar?

So I got to thinking the other day about so-called "bi-polar disorder". And it sort of made me wonder, isn't everybody bi-polar? I mean, think about it. When have you ever said "I'm just alright" and really meant it? Seems to me that it's human nature to swing one way or the other. We're happy or we're sad with nothing going on in the middle. Even if we did find ourselves in the middle we'd just make up something to be sad or happy about anyway, don't you think? We just can't be OK with being OK. People are very peculiar.

The whole reason I started thinking about this was because I'm on an up swing again. For some reason I had a sort of crummy few weeks there. But now I'm back on my game and feeling happy all the time again (except first thing in the morning...I'm never pleased then). And very little has changed. Seeing a couple of old friends again has been nice, but other than that it's been the same ol' super busy life. And I just think it sort of strange how easily my mood can be pushed around one way or another when life's absent some of the big extremes. So, yeah, I guess I am bi-polar. But I bet you are, too. =)

I laughed. I cried

Last night was my final stand-up comedy class. I've gotten so used to my Monday night jollies that I'm a little bummed to know it's done now. =( But next week is our show! Woo-hoo!! Unfortunately for me, while doing my "dress rehearsal" last night, I tossed in a couple of new jokes. That's not the unfortunate part. The really unfortunate part is that in the process of getting huge laughs with the new material, I ended up cracking myself up so hard I was crying. I'm like, "Wait! Wait! There's still one more punch line to that joke! I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!!" except I couldn't form words anymore. And you know how when you start laughing and can't stop, you have to stop and breathe and say everything with a straight face until the moment passes? Yeah, that last bit's not so possible in the middle of a stand-up routine. Especially not possible in my routine where it's as much about the silly side of me as it is about the words to the jokes. It's not like Steven Wright who portrays every joke as if it's the most serious thing since the holocaust. It's more like telling Robin Williams to do deadpan.

Oh, I really really hope I can get myself under control by next Monday. See this is why I won't take an improv class. I think doing improv would be amazing, but I already know I have a tendency to crack myself up. I can just see myself up on stage doing an improv show and thinking of a really funny joke but not ever being able to vocalize it past my own hysterics. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a particularly funny joke. Just funny to me...which is a long list! Now, if I could find myself a vaudeville class I'd be on that like stink on poop! I think I work better playing off of someone else. But I guess vaudeville's not really hip anymore. Not since the prohibition days anyway...

It's going to be a monster turnout next week, I think. I think we determined that just between the 5 of us who we know will definitely be performing (we're not sure who of the rest of them will muster up the courage) we probably have at least 75 guests, and probably closer to 100. And the BCAE sent out an email to all their members about the show too, so that will tack on quite a few more (just so long as it's not a bunch of golden agers who're going to be freaked out by my material). Dude. I think we'll max out the capacity. No pressure..............

Tiger by the tail

Well, it's been 4 years since the war in Iraq started. And it's lasted oh, about 4 years longer than it should have.

Last night when I picked up Liz and Julian from the airport at about 1 in the morning, Liz was complaining (about a lot of things actually) that she wanted to go to the peace rally and march down at Boston Common. I was already planning on going provided I wasn't up until the sun came up playing poker, so I offered to call her in the morning to meet up with her if I went. Well, she bailed on me. Not a big deal. I had been planning on going by myself in the first place. Then again, I expected to see a lot more people I know there.

This is my first problem. I'm constantly surrounded by throngs of people with their bravado and their posturing. There were at least 50 people I know who should have been at the rally. Did I see a single one of them? No. Yeah, there were a fair number of people there (a lot less than I would have expected, but still), so I might have missed a few of them there, but for me to not even run into one of them? That pisses me off. How dare you get up on your damn soapbox from morning 'til night every damn day, forward me emails, bully me into thinking I'm not doing enough, and then not be there? Hypocrites.

Here's my second problem. War brings out the propaganda and the sheep in all of us. Propaganda, propaganda, sheep, sheep, spin, spin, spin. Makes me crazy. I'm not saying that this is just a peace activist phenomenon. Same is true of the neocons and the save the ozoners. I happen to agree with more of the lefty propaganda than the righty, but it's still propaganda, and it's still riddled with half truths, misinformation, and great glaring holes. But folks just gobble it up because it's easier than finding the facts. How can a person say on one hand that you can't ever trust a word the government says and then on the other just blindly follow every word uttered by these activist groups? Trust or don't trust. Pick one. Get informed. Figure out what's true and what's not true. Don't just agree with everything that the guy with your favorite banner says. Come on!

And here's my other problem as long as I'm bitching about hypocrites. I'm going to pick on Pat Scanlon here because he illustrates so well what I mean. He's up there singing this song about taking all the heads of state, tossing them into Abu Ghraib, throwing away the key, connecting nodes to their genitals, etc, etc, etc. "Lock 'em up!" "Throw away the key!!" The crowd loved it, shouting out the whole call-response. Dancing their precious little hearts out. All the while waving signs and banners and flags calling for PEACE!! How can you possibly chant about ripping out someone's eyeballs while carrying a huge peace flag? That's absurd! No wonder Bush and co. don't listen to you. If it's OK for you to seek revenge, why can't he?

Now, after a while of me standing there thinking all of the above, Cindy Sheehan comes up on stage. I didn't honestly know what to think of her as I've only ever seen/heard/read post-spinzone snippets from both camps. But damn I love her now. She doesn't throw out arbitrary facts to make the audience gasp. She doesn't make herself out to be anybody but who she is. She doesn't pretend that her son was anything but who he was. She is just a mom who lost her son, trying to talk sense into people. And what made me love her the most was that she commented on the buttons that were showing up all over the place during Camp Casey that said "Cindy Speaks For Me" or "Cindy Doesn't Speak For Me". Her response? Speak for yourself, damn it! Good for you, Cindy.

And, I will state for the record, that there were many many people there who were thinking and speaking for themselves. There were many people who know that letting go of a tiger once you've got it by the tail is dangerous business - but who also know that we'd best figure out a way to do it safely right now. There were many people there who have been going to protests and rallies since long before I was born, and know a hell of a lot more about how to be effective at it than I do. And there were a lot of people there who, although they may or may not have been misguided, really do mean very well.

All in all, it was a good day. For all of my frustrations about both the war and the anti-war, I needed to be there. I needed to be a part of this. And I'm glad I went. But I'm even more glad right this second to have made it back home where it's warm and I have a toilet. =)

I'm a catch!

What an altogether flattering day. Beyond the regular flirtations from the construction workers next door that I usually get, I also received a "god you're gorgeous" from someone else, a "you're like a freakin' supermodel or something" from another, a "how could you not be great at stand-up, you've got the best sense of humor and timing of anyone I know", and an "I always know that no matter how unusual the question, you will somehow always have the right answer you're so smart". Along with others, but those were my favorites.

Is it my birthday or something?
Is my new bottle of conditioner scented with "eau de suck-up to me"?
Am I on Candid Camera?

This is very peculiar. People just don't find the same person praise-worthy all in the same day usually. It's just how it is. But I can't let it go to my head, otherwise I'm in for quite the let down tomorrow when everyone returns to their senses. But I'll certainly enjoy it while it still lasts! =)

Friends in low places

How do you help someone who doesn't want help?
How do you help someone when no one who once cared for them has any faith in them any longer?
How do you help a person who you think will kick the shit out of you, literally, for getting involved?

How can you not help them?
How can you not help someone when you do have extraordinary faith in the goodness inside of them?
How can you not help someone when other people you care about are getting hurt?
How can you not help when you know how this story will likely end?

Rock, meet Hard Place. Picking up the phone just isn't the simple thing it once was...

Hey! I worked hard for that!

Oh, I am so pissed off right now. I've been fretting so much for the last few days that I'm nauseous because of it. I won't get into why I'm already at the end of my rope right now. I keep writing blog posts about it that I never end up posting because I'm afraid they'll get misinterpreted. But needless to say, I don't need any more shit from the world at the moment. I'm busy coping with other things, you're just gonna have to come back later.

So, I was actually sort of looking forward to getting back to work yesterday thinking it would be at least 8 hours of respite for me, but first thing in the morning I'm sitting in our staff meeting and am informed that the supervisors have some problems with HR lately. That makes a person feel great. Turns out they've been coming across problems because the dumbass in payroll keeps fucking up their checks which a) they never told me was happening so I never knew to fix it and b) they completely blame me for. But you know what? When dealing with idiots, it's difficult to predict just how they're going to screw up. I certainly didn't tell him to do it the way he did. But if I knew it was happening, you'd better believe he would have been hit on the head with a stick a long time ago. The other things they're bitching about are confusion over their benefits - hello, when I took over, I created an employee handbook that details in great length the benefits you get because I didn't think it was right that employees not have something to reference. They all have a copy of it, and they all know damn well where my office is. So why in the fuck are they getting all bent that I'm not giving them answers to questions they haven't asked or even looked for? Huh? Want me to bring in a fucking psychic you whiners?? Whatever, I'll deal.

Now however, because apparently I maxed out my karmic credit card, I finally get my grade for the business class I finished a few weeks ago. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was waiting for over 3 weeks for the professor to submit the grades. As if it wasn't bad enough that he took so long to do it that I couldn't get my reimbursement from work so I could pay for my law class and ended up with my grades being blocked and an extra $100 late fee. Now the grade shows up and I have a fucking C! I'm sorry, but that's just not possible. I may not have the syllabus in front of me, but the grading breakdown was something like 33/33/33 for papers/participation/final. Well, I got perfect scores on all of my papers and I attended and participated in every class (unlike the professor). Even if I had flat out failed the final that still leaves me with a B. And I don't believe for one fucking second that I bombed it. Might not have aced it like I thought I had, but I certainly didn't hand it in scribbled with "fuck the professor" all over it. Oh, I am so raising hell over this one. That's bullshit.

Why now, damn it?

Well, that was pointless

What a dreadfully useless day. Basically the sum total of my productivity was limited to breakfast with Liz and Julian and taking them to the airport. Wow. I had sort of fantasized about taking advantage of being holed up in the apartment due to the freaky March snowstorm and doing all of my homework and memorizing my act before the weekend even got here. But, alas and alack. Instead I spent the day distracted by one shiny object after another, none of which I can particularly recall at the moment. At least the front steps are nice and cleared of snow because of me. Other than that, nada, nothing, zip, zilch, zero. Tough to accomplish not owning a video game console any longer. I thought about the court case I am writing a paper on. I thought about doing some cleaning. Hell, I even thought about walking to the liquor store for beer, but didn't even end up doing that. (Did walk to the convenience store for cigarettes and snacks - that was an adventure and a half in this weather)

Apparently in my world calm=lazy. After a couple of tense weeks for no good reason, I suddenly started feeling this sense of peace a couple of days ago. A serenity that I can explain no more than the anxiety that preceded it. Makes me wonder if something was going on with someone I'm close to. Sometimes the empathy kicks into overdrive and I can't explain it. But whatever the reason, I'm sort of wishing I was still in stress ball mode just so I'd get some things accomplished. (Oh, and I'm sure I'm going to get loads of work done this weekend! Right.)

You're probably right...

So today's horoscope for us Gemini's says:

You may be thinking about postponing or even canceling an upcoming trip due to responsibilities you cannot avoid. The hardest part about this is not just changing your plans; the disappointment can bring up memories of a similar event from the past. Letting go of your feelings attached to a previous experience can help you focus your attention and efficiently manage the current situation. Thursday, March 15, 2007

That hits a little close to home. I was going to take a trip. And it looks like I'll be canceling those plans. And this is the one weekend I absolutely do not want to be in Boston because of memories of what may arguably have been the worst day of my life. But horoscopes are funny things, that don't usually mean anything, and yet I read them anyhow because sometimes they will tell me just what I need to hear. In this case, it's so right, I just need to let go of those feelings and carry on.

I'm usually pretty good about not living in the past, but in this particular instance, it's hard for me not to. And in this particular instance, I really shouldn't. I have so much that I can look forward to this weekend - hanging out on Saturday with some of the coolest, liveliest, most caring and generous people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, then spending Sunday with an entirely different crew who meet all those same criteria, and let's not forget cute boys. ;)

The past is going to be there whether I like it or not. Nothing will ever change that, and there may be nothing that will make it not hurt. But there are lots of other memories that I should hang onto instead. And I know I'm doing all the good memories a disservice by minimalizing them. It's just so damn hard to bolster myself. I'm fearful that things won't work out the way I want them to, because I know how crushing even the smallest disappointment this weekend will be to me.

Let me just make it through 'til Monday without getting hurt. Actually, now that I think about it, the way everything has been changing lately, I stand a pretty decent chance of having other hurts eased somewhat. I shouldn't get my hopes up though.

Stupidity kills

So, I found out last night that an old friend of mine has died. An otherwise relatively healthy guy, he died of a heart attack at 30 years old after doing cocaine. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated. The last time I talked to him I yelled at him and told him that I didn't give a rats ass that he only did hard drugs "from time to time". I regret that that was our last conversation in his lifetime. I'm furious that he didn't listen to me. And damn it I miss him.

Why do people always think "not me"? They say things like, "Well, it's not like I'm shooting heroin or anything. I'm just having a good time." I've watched so many people die for the most senseless reasons, but I thought that finally I had gotten those people out of my life or that they had finally grown up. Why do people have to be so fucking stupid?

Blog math

I can't figure this out. First, I posted a short post earlier today and almost immediately someone posted a comment on it. The weird part is that my feedburner didn't register any hits. Very peculiar. (Side note: it would be cool if my feedburner would tell me precisely who visited my blog. You know, name, rank, and serial number? Whatever.) Not a big deal or anything, just a little odd.

What I'm really confused about is my MySpace blog. Tons of people seem to think that I was just kidding around when I nuked my profile months ago and keep sending me friend requests, so I logged on and posted a quick blog to say 'Holly don't live here no more, ask for my blog address'. And according to that page, the blog has been hit WAY more times than just the few remaining people who are still subscribed to it can account for. This makes no sense. Is it just a random coincidence that a bunch of people stumbled across a dead page and wanted to read the blog? Or do I have stalkers regularly checking my page "just in case"? I'm very confused.

I think the blog hit counters are conspiring against me.

Working from home is fun!

I finally am set up to work from home and hook into all of the work servers from my laptop, so I decided to take advantage of that today. And I honestly think that I got more work done in the past 5 hours or so from home than I normally get done over the course of a few days in the office. And I don't want to shoot myself in the face right now. Always a plus. =)

I could get used to this....