Well, 2006 is almost over. Just a few more hours to go and then it's done. I'm a little bit bummed out that I'm feeling so under the weather and running a fever and am not going out to party and ring in the new year. I did have it in my head that I would just push through it and forge into the revels like a good little trooper, but when it comes right down to it I just can't figure why everyone gets all worked up over changing the date on their calendars anyway. Besides, here at home I've got Garrison Keillor, a decent view of the fireworks up on my roof, this or that friend stopping by, and a bottle of champagne that I don't necessarily have to share with anyone at all. So, even this worst case scenario is pretty rockin' in my book.
So, in my delirium, I'm taking the opportunity to reflect on everything that has happened in this past year. Most of the memories will be forgotten in time, but there have been some incredible and not so incredible ones that I will remember for years to come. Lots of great ones with Johnny, lots of hellish ones with Chestnut. Friends who have proven their hearts to me for better or for worse - new friends made, old friendships made stronger, and other old friendships lost. This was a year for travelling all over the country, and seeing loved ones in all their far flung places. It was a year that tested my resolve in everything I do, be it work, relationships, family, or fun. It was a year of losing the three things I cared the most about. And, it was a year for shaking myself down to the very foundation so I can start to rebuild. It's been a rough year on a lot of different fronts, dealing with the limits of both body and spirit, and just when I thought it was clearing or that I couldn't possibly take another hit, there would be one more surprise for me waiting around the corner. Even now, after all of this time, I'm still getting fucked over by Johnny, err, Chestnut, and whether or not he did it intentionally, it still burns like crazy.
But tonight is no longer about 2006. Tonight is the night to drink the wine that Johnny and I bought at Chateau Ste. Michelle and were saving for a special occassion - out with the old, in with the new! Tonight's the night to clean the cobwebs and start fresh. Tonight is the night to reach out to all of my loved ones and tell them thank you for everything they have done for me this year and to make damn sure they know how much I appreciate them. Hell, I've even been trying to reach my best friend from back in Reno all day today, but am having trouble tracking her down. Tomorrow is a new year.
Although I've never gone for New Years Resolutions, I can promise you that 2007 is going to rock my socks off. Starting in a week, I will be a college student again. In 9 months I will be moving to another state, and who knows which one I'll choose. And just knowing that I'll be moving is so unbelievably freeing. I don't feel like I'm obligated to go out and find a new relationship to be in, because who starts a new relationship knowing that they're moving? Instead I get to just have fun and be the best me I can be, which has always been the me I am when I'm single. Sure, there will be guys (and pirates, and possibly girls) in my life. But the pressure is off, and the only person I have to make happy is myself. And considering how many great and unbelievable people I am surrounded by, both family and friends, and that I have a great job and a blindingly bright future, how could I not be happy?
So, a warm welcome to you, 2007! May you be the best year yet!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Home again, home again...
Aaaaahhhhh. Home. Just me, the cats, the last of the belated Christmas presents to finish, cocoa from my stocking in a new big mug, and some movies. Life doesn't get much better than this.
I arrived in South Carolina on Christmas Eve and was whisked directly from the airport over to my step-brother Matt's place where their Eve party full of family and friends was in full swing. Nothing like ending a weary day of travelling with a few beers and some deep-fried turkey (for you New Englanders who haven't experienced this - it's heavenly). And what a great way to kick off a trip. After the party, sister Emma and her family and I all headed back to her place, where we unwound for a bit before heading to bed so Santa could come for the kids (Kedzie now 3, Camden 1 and a halfish).
The next morning, as expected, was mayhem. Matt and Lynn and their kids came over around 8ish as did Dad, Dawn, and Doris, with airdale, Savannah, in tow. Then it was a blur of wrapping paper and ribbon for the next several hours. The little ones had no interest in opening presents, opting instead to play with empty boxes and colorful paper. Zach, 8, kept forgetting to look who presents were from and just sort of ignored gifts he didn't care for. Brianna, 14, was much more polite about saying thank you to her gift givers, but was very blunt about gifts she didn't care for. And Shawn (my sweet sweet 15 yo nephew who I think is totally underappreciated), just sat quietly on the couch, opening his gifts, saying his thank yous, and generally just trying to stay out of the way. I received, as requested, primarily gift cards for things I need like dishes and clothes. But Emma snuck in a few other gifties for me like a really cool hoodie sweater (probably the only thing in American Eagle that I would ever even consider wearing and I love it), and this knitting loom thing that she keeps raving about to me but I haven't figured out the knack of yet. Oh, she also supplied me with booze (my sister knows me too well). And since we were at her house, she's also the one who filled the stockings, so I got all the things that I always expect to be in my stocking - things like chapstick, pens, ornaments, candy, candy, candy, macadamia nuts (don't know where that started, but I get 'em every year!), play-doh, and the piece de la resistance, a punchy balloon! Nice.
Anyway, all the Mertz's and Dad and Dawn took off to go take naps and showers and change out of pj's while Emma and Josh and I attempted to clean up the disaster area and settle her kids down a bit. Then it all started back up again when they all (plus Matt's business partner, Chris) came back over for dinner (side note: we've never done the Christmas dinner thing, but Matt has it in his head that we Scotts always have and that he missed out all these years so demanded it be done this year - I think the idea is nuts). Dawn graciously took it upon herself to make the Christmas dinner, but made this pork dish with curry and honey and vinegar which I think is delicious, but with everyone there, I think a third of them didn't do pork and another third didn't do curry and a couple more didn't do vinegar. Whatever. She was drinking and taking vicodin while she was cooking anyhow, the entertainment was definitely in the cooking of dinner rather than the eating of it. Oh, and was it ever entertaining watching her fondling a casserole dish full of sliced potatoes! And by the time dinner was served, we were all pretty drunk anyway, so she could have served us plates of raw onions and no one would have cared.
Anyway, that night, and for much of the rest of the week, I spent a lot of time hanging out with Chris, partially because he's the only other smoker in attendance, and partially because he's the only other person in attendance not attached to spouse or kids, but mostly because I like his company. It helps that he helped me escape children's television shows. Matt was apparently not too fond of this scenario, but thankfully kept his mouth shut and stayed out of my personal life. Emma, on the other hand, gave me a full ration of grief, but having reached full fledged sister status, she has permission. But honestly, the man is a frackin' pirate who lives on a boat! What woman could resist? And, without going into details that aren't your business anyway, having each other's company was a very good thing this week. I'll leave it at that.
Wednesday was Kedzie's 3rd birthday, so we had a little mini party (sans Dad and Dawn who had already left town). Which was, remarkably, uneventful. We all had pizza and cake, and she had to be tricked into opening her presents, which she found no interest in at the time (she was busy showing everyone her butt). And the Mertz's took off to pack for their trip to DisneyWorld the following morning.
And on my last day there, Chris took me on a tour of Charleson, which I would have been bowled over by had it only been the stop at the car-hop Sonic Burger, but then he took me around to show me all of the absolutely amazing architecture of all of the houses downtown. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I lived in a house like some of those with their gallery porches and gas lamps and lush little courtyards. Unbelievable. I wish I had some pictures to post of them, but I realized when I was packing my camera that I think Johnny still has the charger for it. Ah, well. Someday I'll end up living there anyway. If only for the $25 carton of cigarettes.
And then, before I knew it, it was 4 something in the morning on Friday and I had to get showered and packed before my crack of dawn flight back home. So, it was a tired and weary traveller who arrived at the airport yesterday morning. Dad picked me up from the airport so he could take me back to his place and we could rearrange cars in his driveway so Dawn could get her car out behind my crumpled baby. And it was with sleep in my eyes that I finally was able to contact the insurance company of the driver who hit me a week ago. Then it was off to home and bed and two cats who were very excited to see me.
And we're off to the races again! My friend Claire is in town for two days, so she and I went out together last night after my nap. My other friend, Jim is in town, so he and I will be going out this evening. And then tomorrow's New Years Eve - still don't know what the plan is, but whatever it ends up being or with whom, I know it will be great. But for right now, I have nothing to do but relax and be glad that for as fucked up as it is, life is good....I may have spoke to soon, I just looked out the window and see that it's snowing. Damn. Well, at least I have cocoa!
Merry Belated Christmas!!!
I arrived in South Carolina on Christmas Eve and was whisked directly from the airport over to my step-brother Matt's place where their Eve party full of family and friends was in full swing. Nothing like ending a weary day of travelling with a few beers and some deep-fried turkey (for you New Englanders who haven't experienced this - it's heavenly). And what a great way to kick off a trip. After the party, sister Emma and her family and I all headed back to her place, where we unwound for a bit before heading to bed so Santa could come for the kids (Kedzie now 3, Camden 1 and a halfish).
The next morning, as expected, was mayhem. Matt and Lynn and their kids came over around 8ish as did Dad, Dawn, and Doris, with airdale, Savannah, in tow. Then it was a blur of wrapping paper and ribbon for the next several hours. The little ones had no interest in opening presents, opting instead to play with empty boxes and colorful paper. Zach, 8, kept forgetting to look who presents were from and just sort of ignored gifts he didn't care for. Brianna, 14, was much more polite about saying thank you to her gift givers, but was very blunt about gifts she didn't care for. And Shawn (my sweet sweet 15 yo nephew who I think is totally underappreciated), just sat quietly on the couch, opening his gifts, saying his thank yous, and generally just trying to stay out of the way. I received, as requested, primarily gift cards for things I need like dishes and clothes. But Emma snuck in a few other gifties for me like a really cool hoodie sweater (probably the only thing in American Eagle that I would ever even consider wearing and I love it), and this knitting loom thing that she keeps raving about to me but I haven't figured out the knack of yet. Oh, she also supplied me with booze (my sister knows me too well). And since we were at her house, she's also the one who filled the stockings, so I got all the things that I always expect to be in my stocking - things like chapstick, pens, ornaments, candy, candy, candy, macadamia nuts (don't know where that started, but I get 'em every year!), play-doh, and the piece de la resistance, a punchy balloon! Nice.
Anyway, all the Mertz's and Dad and Dawn took off to go take naps and showers and change out of pj's while Emma and Josh and I attempted to clean up the disaster area and settle her kids down a bit. Then it all started back up again when they all (plus Matt's business partner, Chris) came back over for dinner (side note: we've never done the Christmas dinner thing, but Matt has it in his head that we Scotts always have and that he missed out all these years so demanded it be done this year - I think the idea is nuts). Dawn graciously took it upon herself to make the Christmas dinner, but made this pork dish with curry and honey and vinegar which I think is delicious, but with everyone there, I think a third of them didn't do pork and another third didn't do curry and a couple more didn't do vinegar. Whatever. She was drinking and taking vicodin while she was cooking anyhow, the entertainment was definitely in the cooking of dinner rather than the eating of it. Oh, and was it ever entertaining watching her fondling a casserole dish full of sliced potatoes! And by the time dinner was served, we were all pretty drunk anyway, so she could have served us plates of raw onions and no one would have cared.
Anyway, that night, and for much of the rest of the week, I spent a lot of time hanging out with Chris, partially because he's the only other smoker in attendance, and partially because he's the only other person in attendance not attached to spouse or kids, but mostly because I like his company. It helps that he helped me escape children's television shows. Matt was apparently not too fond of this scenario, but thankfully kept his mouth shut and stayed out of my personal life. Emma, on the other hand, gave me a full ration of grief, but having reached full fledged sister status, she has permission. But honestly, the man is a frackin' pirate who lives on a boat! What woman could resist? And, without going into details that aren't your business anyway, having each other's company was a very good thing this week. I'll leave it at that.
Wednesday was Kedzie's 3rd birthday, so we had a little mini party (sans Dad and Dawn who had already left town). Which was, remarkably, uneventful. We all had pizza and cake, and she had to be tricked into opening her presents, which she found no interest in at the time (she was busy showing everyone her butt). And the Mertz's took off to pack for their trip to DisneyWorld the following morning.
And on my last day there, Chris took me on a tour of Charleson, which I would have been bowled over by had it only been the stop at the car-hop Sonic Burger, but then he took me around to show me all of the absolutely amazing architecture of all of the houses downtown. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I lived in a house like some of those with their gallery porches and gas lamps and lush little courtyards. Unbelievable. I wish I had some pictures to post of them, but I realized when I was packing my camera that I think Johnny still has the charger for it. Ah, well. Someday I'll end up living there anyway. If only for the $25 carton of cigarettes.
And then, before I knew it, it was 4 something in the morning on Friday and I had to get showered and packed before my crack of dawn flight back home. So, it was a tired and weary traveller who arrived at the airport yesterday morning. Dad picked me up from the airport so he could take me back to his place and we could rearrange cars in his driveway so Dawn could get her car out behind my crumpled baby. And it was with sleep in my eyes that I finally was able to contact the insurance company of the driver who hit me a week ago. Then it was off to home and bed and two cats who were very excited to see me.
And we're off to the races again! My friend Claire is in town for two days, so she and I went out together last night after my nap. My other friend, Jim is in town, so he and I will be going out this evening. And then tomorrow's New Years Eve - still don't know what the plan is, but whatever it ends up being or with whom, I know it will be great. But for right now, I have nothing to do but relax and be glad that for as fucked up as it is, life is good....I may have spoke to soon, I just looked out the window and see that it's snowing. Damn. Well, at least I have cocoa!
Merry Belated Christmas!!!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Bang up Christmas
It all started out so well. I had to deliver Liz's Christmas present to her, and her mom wanted to give me mine, so after Liz got out of work I went to meet her at her ma's place out in Waltham. I beat her there, and when I arrived Jan and her boyfriend, Carl, were having dinner with Johnny's and the gang's new friend Cheryl. It was a little odd to me that some friend of his that Jan had just met was over for dinner, but not too strange considering the kind of person that Jan is. And Liz absolutely gushes about how much she loves Cheryl. So when I came in I said something along the lines of, "Nice to meet you, I've heard nothing but good things about you." (Nevermind Liz, Johnny was completely smitten with her before he moved out - if she wasn't married, I would have been freaked out). And she says to me - no shit - "Yeah, same here about you". Wait. What? You do actually talk with your friend Johnny, right? I'm so confused! But she really is very sweet, and I can see why everyone likes her so much. She even gave me a hug on her way out the door.
Anyhow, Liz loved loved loved the present that I got her (all the building blocks of a million home cooked meals). And Jan got me this pretty chinese vase with a gold dragon on it, and a dragon book to go along with it. Very sweet of her. And, I think that both of them have started to figure out that, no matter how pissed off they are at Johnny, I'm not anxious to sit around trash talking him with them. I understand their frustration and everything, and it sounds like he's been a real jerk to everyone lately, but I really just want him to be happy because that's the only thing that would make everything I've just been through worth a damn. So, we all hung out for a little while talking about just about everything but you-know-who before I drove Liz out to Devon's place in Medford, where he apparently had a gift for me as well (total surprise! He's such a good 'un).
Well, we had a little "snag" just before we made it across the Somerville-Medford line. I was driving through the intersection behind an SUV that turned on the right blinker and started to turn right, but then I guess they changed their mind about where they were headed because as I'm in the middle of the intersection, they changed direction and drove straight into my passenger side door. My entire passenger window shattered all over Liz, and the door was so crumpled that it can no longer be opened, but fortunately, neither of us was hurt. We'll both be picking glass out of our coats for weeks, but apparently unscathed. Then it sort of turned into a freakshow. The female passenger of the SUV started giving Liz shit, "fuck this" "bitch that" "no uh-uh, this ain't our fuckin' fault you fuckin' bitch", and the two other guys who were in the car had to pull her away. And apparently one of them made a comment about "that's the second time that's happened". Figures. But a cop showed up quickly and played mediator between us. And while he was in his patrol car, the guys were playing peek-a-boo behind their SUV, harassing pedestrians walking by. I'm thinking to myself , um, anyone need a drug test right about now? But the cop finished up with us and sent them on their way and came over to see if we needed anything else. Liz commented on all the glass in her seat, so he offered her a ride in his car up the rest of the hill to Devon's house. Ha! Liz rode in a cop car! And when we got there, he totally offered to help carry all the bags that I had in the trunk up the stairs for us. Nice nice guy. Oh, and he says to me, "Your headlight's out. If anyone stops you, just tell them that it was from the accident". Nice.
So, I headed from there, sans window around the corner to Mike's place for a couple of beers before heading home. And we tried to get the window sealed up with plastic bags, without much success because of the rain. (Oh, yeah. Did I mention that this all happened in the rain? Lovely timing). And now, I'm leaving tomorrow for the better part of a week and have to leave my car sitting on the street with no window because the driver's insurance company doesn't have anyone in the office until Tuesday so I can't even get it appraised until the day after New Years. Suck. Well, Merry Christmas to me. Maybe Johnny was right about me being such a horrible person...karma certainly seems to think so.
Anyhow, Liz loved loved loved the present that I got her (all the building blocks of a million home cooked meals). And Jan got me this pretty chinese vase with a gold dragon on it, and a dragon book to go along with it. Very sweet of her. And, I think that both of them have started to figure out that, no matter how pissed off they are at Johnny, I'm not anxious to sit around trash talking him with them. I understand their frustration and everything, and it sounds like he's been a real jerk to everyone lately, but I really just want him to be happy because that's the only thing that would make everything I've just been through worth a damn. So, we all hung out for a little while talking about just about everything but you-know-who before I drove Liz out to Devon's place in Medford, where he apparently had a gift for me as well (total surprise! He's such a good 'un).
Well, we had a little "snag" just before we made it across the Somerville-Medford line. I was driving through the intersection behind an SUV that turned on the right blinker and started to turn right, but then I guess they changed their mind about where they were headed because as I'm in the middle of the intersection, they changed direction and drove straight into my passenger side door. My entire passenger window shattered all over Liz, and the door was so crumpled that it can no longer be opened, but fortunately, neither of us was hurt. We'll both be picking glass out of our coats for weeks, but apparently unscathed. Then it sort of turned into a freakshow. The female passenger of the SUV started giving Liz shit, "fuck this" "bitch that" "no uh-uh, this ain't our fuckin' fault you fuckin' bitch", and the two other guys who were in the car had to pull her away. And apparently one of them made a comment about "that's the second time that's happened". Figures. But a cop showed up quickly and played mediator between us. And while he was in his patrol car, the guys were playing peek-a-boo behind their SUV, harassing pedestrians walking by. I'm thinking to myself , um, anyone need a drug test right about now? But the cop finished up with us and sent them on their way and came over to see if we needed anything else. Liz commented on all the glass in her seat, so he offered her a ride in his car up the rest of the hill to Devon's house. Ha! Liz rode in a cop car! And when we got there, he totally offered to help carry all the bags that I had in the trunk up the stairs for us. Nice nice guy. Oh, and he says to me, "Your headlight's out. If anyone stops you, just tell them that it was from the accident". Nice.
So, I headed from there, sans window around the corner to Mike's place for a couple of beers before heading home. And we tried to get the window sealed up with plastic bags, without much success because of the rain. (Oh, yeah. Did I mention that this all happened in the rain? Lovely timing). And now, I'm leaving tomorrow for the better part of a week and have to leave my car sitting on the street with no window because the driver's insurance company doesn't have anyone in the office until Tuesday so I can't even get it appraised until the day after New Years. Suck. Well, Merry Christmas to me. Maybe Johnny was right about me being such a horrible person...karma certainly seems to think so.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Time keeps on slippin'...
Man, I woke up this morning in the best mood ever. Totally pumped that I'm officially on vacation now until next year. Wahoo! I was ready to rock and freakin' roll! Started my day with a little emailing to Mr. Cute and Talented who I've been flirting with. Then, went and hung out with Alice for a little while after she and her friends finished their last exam of the semester. Then, headed out to get the last things I needed for Liz's present, which I came home and got all wrapped up and purty. And I have so much more stuff that needs to get finished before I leave town on Sunday. But all of a sudden the couch looks so warm and inviting and hard to resist. And, what are vacations for if not to take advantage of the opportunity to just be lazy? I know I should be finishing the assembly of gifts for my sisters. I know I should go get laundry done before I have to get packed up to leave tomorrow. I know I should be getting in touch with people about plans for tonight and tomorrow night. I know, I know, I know. But me and my couch have been such strangers! We want quality time together!! Damn. I had so much momentum earlier. Ah, well. There's always tomorrow....
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Dragon
Oh, company Christmas parties. I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to recover from this one. I woke up this morning in bed still fully dressed in my cocktail dress, stockings, bra and all. This is how my day started, and it's been an uphill climb ever since. The party was a great time. It was a harbor cruise with a full bar offering free wine and beer for the first hour, followed by clam chowder (yummy chunky goodness), followed by an Italian buffet, followed by pastries, followed by more drinking, followed by hitting the bar at Legal Seafood across the way after we docked. (Side note: Legal makes a fan-fucking-tastic Irish Coffee). The group of folks in attendance couldn't have been better. Seriously, if I had made a list of which of the guys I wanted to show up for the party it would have been all of the guys who did. Definitely some of my favorite people that I work with, and meeting all of their wives was entertaining to say the least. Anyway, I brought my friend, Bob, as my date since I didn't want to go stag, but I also didn't think this would be the appropriate place to bring a new guy. And since he and I don't get to hang out all that often, we tied one on and continued the drinking after everyone else headed for home. We would have kept going, but Legal threw us out. Probably for the best considering my current state. What's funny to me is that this really feels like the absolute longest day ever, when in actuality, it's technically the shortest seeing as it's the winter solstice today. But, despite my moving very slowly, despite the million mile stare, despite the growl in my tummy from drinking too much coffee just to make it through the day, it was so very very worth it if for no other reason than the brightening of my spirits.
Monday, December 18, 2006
My kind of weekend
I feel like being at work last Friday was about a month ago rather than just a couple of days. And, I have to say, I love those weekends when time decides to start playing tricks with you. Haven't had one of those in ages.
Friday after work a few of us went out for a few beers down at the Mission. Great way to end a week from hell, if you ask me. There's nothing quite like getting to see the President and the Directors let their proverbial hair down, start telling inappropriate stories, and hanging out drinking longer than they should even though they know their wives are going to be upset about them coming home so late. Partway through the evening, I noticed that Bill (my boss, the Prez) had tickets in his shirt pocket for that night's Celtics game. Turns out, no one had given the company tickets to anyone yet, so he gave them to me to use or pawn off on someone. Of course, the only 3 people I know who would have been interested in going had Christmas parties to go to, but I spent a lively couple of hours over beers with the guys calling literally everyone I know. Hey, at least I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and don't have to send them cards now! It really seemed a shame to waste such awesome seats (especially since I later discovered that by some minor miracle, the Celts actually won that game), but there wasn't much more I could do. I was going to just head down to the Garden and sell them to someone outside, but by the time I got home, I just had to jump in the car and head out to meet up with Mike for a poker tournament.
Now, Mike doesn't know this, but he accidentally gave me an awesome compliment when I met him at his store. See, he gives great hugs. I'm talking huge bear hugs that literally sweep me off my feet every time. But Friday, he decided that a mere sweep off my feet wasn't enough so he tossed me over his shoulder and carted me around the store. No one has tossed me over their shoulder in I couldn't even guess how long. Possibly decades. Usually I prevent it from happening because I've always been heavier than I look, and there's no need for anyone but me to know that. But Mike hoisted me up as if I weighed no more than a pillow. Barely had to even flex a muscle to hold me up there. Dude. For the sake of my own ego, I'm going to pretend that Mike's a weakling. Because man, when have I ever gotten to feel small and waifish? Nice!
Anyway, we went off to play poker with some of his buddies up in Reading. I've played with these guys before at this house, and they've got the whole setup down in the basement. There's a bar, a real poker table (you know - cushy bumper, cup holders, fancy fabric top), and a screen up over the bar that calculates the winnings and runs a timer to change the blinds. That and the missus is the consummate hostess and always has oodles of food for noshing on (she's a damn fine poker player to boot). The first game I was in on, I was doing really well until Mr McFarty started eating away at my stack, but then I was like the cockroach who wouldn't die and kept doubling back up from a short stack. Made it to the final three, so I made my money back, but didn't make it all the way to the head to head with Mike. The next game, unfortunately, I didn't say no when they asked if we could switch to Omaha instead. My mistake. I forgot that I suck at Omaha and pretty much just handed them my money as soon as the game got underway. Oh, well. $20 for a night's entertainment is still a good deal in my book. And when I got home at about 3 in the morning, I looked at the Celtics tickets sitting on my coffee table and had an "oh my god, was that just earlier tonight that I was trying to get rid of those?" moment. Seemed like that had been a million years before.
Well, getting into bed at 4 in the morning on a Friday night isn't really such a bad thing. That is, unless you've agreed to do volunteer work for Community Servings' holiday gift basket donations later that morning. I had to wake up at 7 to get myself over to "Basket Central" that was set up over at Northeastern. Needless to say, I didn't say a word to anyone once I arrived until after I had beelined for the coffee urn. But, once I was well caffeinated, it was a good day. Spent the next 8 hours on a delivery truck with Bobcat and Abdul going around to homes all around the North Shore area delivering baskets for AIDS and other terminally ill patients and their families that the organization delivers food for throughout the year. And, giving always feels good no matter how tired you are! The only downside is that the radio station was locked onto 94.5 FM and I still have the Beyonce Knowles song that played on the hour every hour all day stuck in my head ("...to the left, to the left. To the left, to the left...").
Needless to say, by the time I arrived home, the caffeine had worn off and I was having difficulty seeing straight. Of course, the second my head hit the pillow, Donald called to see if I was still going to this Christmas party with him which was starting in about an hour. Ha! Nap first, then party, thank you. So after a quick little half hour nap, it was time to hit the caffeine again and head out to Brian and Pam's place for their party. Now, when Donald told me that their families were going to be there, I was unaware of two things. First, there's not room for a whole lot of other people in the house once the families cram in there. Two, their families rock. Hell, even the landlord who came to hang out was a cool guy. It was absolutely the kind of party I was looking for. And more food and alcohol than you can shake a stick at. I'm STILL full! And Brian, Pam, and Jeff, bless their little hearts, were very concerned for my current state of mind seeing as the last time they saw me I was sitting on a curb in Cambridge, downing Jack Daniels, and cursing at the sky. (Yes, thank you, I'm much better now). And after it was all over (I managed for one of the very few times in my life to not be the very last person leaving the party this time...I might have been the second to last), I slept like a dead rock.
But wait, there's still one more day in the weekend! (And if you've read down this far, I'm ashamed of you, you really should have better things to do...I'm mostly just rambling because I can). Sunday was a day for errands seeing as I had only been home to get a couple of hours of sleep in the prior 72 hours. You know, knitting supplies and cat food - the essentials of any old lady! Then it was off to the 'rents Christmas gathering. More food. More wine. More people. A fun little handheld 20 questions game which everyone thought was so cool, but I couldn't get it to guess lasagna, America, candle, or golf ball (though it did ask if it was smaller than a golf ball). Oh, and free laundry of course.
Phew! Man were the cats happy to see me when I came home last night!!
Friday after work a few of us went out for a few beers down at the Mission. Great way to end a week from hell, if you ask me. There's nothing quite like getting to see the President and the Directors let their proverbial hair down, start telling inappropriate stories, and hanging out drinking longer than they should even though they know their wives are going to be upset about them coming home so late. Partway through the evening, I noticed that Bill (my boss, the Prez) had tickets in his shirt pocket for that night's Celtics game. Turns out, no one had given the company tickets to anyone yet, so he gave them to me to use or pawn off on someone. Of course, the only 3 people I know who would have been interested in going had Christmas parties to go to, but I spent a lively couple of hours over beers with the guys calling literally everyone I know. Hey, at least I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and don't have to send them cards now! It really seemed a shame to waste such awesome seats (especially since I later discovered that by some minor miracle, the Celts actually won that game), but there wasn't much more I could do. I was going to just head down to the Garden and sell them to someone outside, but by the time I got home, I just had to jump in the car and head out to meet up with Mike for a poker tournament.
Now, Mike doesn't know this, but he accidentally gave me an awesome compliment when I met him at his store. See, he gives great hugs. I'm talking huge bear hugs that literally sweep me off my feet every time. But Friday, he decided that a mere sweep off my feet wasn't enough so he tossed me over his shoulder and carted me around the store. No one has tossed me over their shoulder in I couldn't even guess how long. Possibly decades. Usually I prevent it from happening because I've always been heavier than I look, and there's no need for anyone but me to know that. But Mike hoisted me up as if I weighed no more than a pillow. Barely had to even flex a muscle to hold me up there. Dude. For the sake of my own ego, I'm going to pretend that Mike's a weakling. Because man, when have I ever gotten to feel small and waifish? Nice!
Anyway, we went off to play poker with some of his buddies up in Reading. I've played with these guys before at this house, and they've got the whole setup down in the basement. There's a bar, a real poker table (you know - cushy bumper, cup holders, fancy fabric top), and a screen up over the bar that calculates the winnings and runs a timer to change the blinds. That and the missus is the consummate hostess and always has oodles of food for noshing on (she's a damn fine poker player to boot). The first game I was in on, I was doing really well until Mr McFarty started eating away at my stack, but then I was like the cockroach who wouldn't die and kept doubling back up from a short stack. Made it to the final three, so I made my money back, but didn't make it all the way to the head to head with Mike. The next game, unfortunately, I didn't say no when they asked if we could switch to Omaha instead. My mistake. I forgot that I suck at Omaha and pretty much just handed them my money as soon as the game got underway. Oh, well. $20 for a night's entertainment is still a good deal in my book. And when I got home at about 3 in the morning, I looked at the Celtics tickets sitting on my coffee table and had an "oh my god, was that just earlier tonight that I was trying to get rid of those?" moment. Seemed like that had been a million years before.
Well, getting into bed at 4 in the morning on a Friday night isn't really such a bad thing. That is, unless you've agreed to do volunteer work for Community Servings' holiday gift basket donations later that morning. I had to wake up at 7 to get myself over to "Basket Central" that was set up over at Northeastern. Needless to say, I didn't say a word to anyone once I arrived until after I had beelined for the coffee urn. But, once I was well caffeinated, it was a good day. Spent the next 8 hours on a delivery truck with Bobcat and Abdul going around to homes all around the North Shore area delivering baskets for AIDS and other terminally ill patients and their families that the organization delivers food for throughout the year. And, giving always feels good no matter how tired you are! The only downside is that the radio station was locked onto 94.5 FM and I still have the Beyonce Knowles song that played on the hour every hour all day stuck in my head ("...to the left, to the left. To the left, to the left...").
Needless to say, by the time I arrived home, the caffeine had worn off and I was having difficulty seeing straight. Of course, the second my head hit the pillow, Donald called to see if I was still going to this Christmas party with him which was starting in about an hour. Ha! Nap first, then party, thank you. So after a quick little half hour nap, it was time to hit the caffeine again and head out to Brian and Pam's place for their party. Now, when Donald told me that their families were going to be there, I was unaware of two things. First, there's not room for a whole lot of other people in the house once the families cram in there. Two, their families rock. Hell, even the landlord who came to hang out was a cool guy. It was absolutely the kind of party I was looking for. And more food and alcohol than you can shake a stick at. I'm STILL full! And Brian, Pam, and Jeff, bless their little hearts, were very concerned for my current state of mind seeing as the last time they saw me I was sitting on a curb in Cambridge, downing Jack Daniels, and cursing at the sky. (Yes, thank you, I'm much better now). And after it was all over (I managed for one of the very few times in my life to not be the very last person leaving the party this time...I might have been the second to last), I slept like a dead rock.
But wait, there's still one more day in the weekend! (And if you've read down this far, I'm ashamed of you, you really should have better things to do...I'm mostly just rambling because I can). Sunday was a day for errands seeing as I had only been home to get a couple of hours of sleep in the prior 72 hours. You know, knitting supplies and cat food - the essentials of any old lady! Then it was off to the 'rents Christmas gathering. More food. More wine. More people. A fun little handheld 20 questions game which everyone thought was so cool, but I couldn't get it to guess lasagna, America, candle, or golf ball (though it did ask if it was smaller than a golf ball). Oh, and free laundry of course.
Phew! Man were the cats happy to see me when I came home last night!!
Oh, I get it!
I've finally got it figured out (I think), why I've been having such a hard time with this whole breakup nonsense. I mean, yes, it was sort of like a bad divorce without the lawyers (although, it did nearly come to that), so it dragged on and on until literally like a week ago. But even that didn't explain the feelings of hurt that I still have every single day. I'm not crying myself to sleep at night or anything, but I have this constant tug of hurt that I can't shake. Yes, it's hard to jump back in the saddle when you have this seed of doubt in your mind wondering if you really were that awful to be in a relationship with no matter how many times you tell yourself that it's not true. And, yes, it's not easy to suddenly have to reevaluate the direction your life is going in. Yeah, hard. But not unbearable. Actually, probably more beneficial than anything else. So why the hurt? I'm certainly not wishing to get back together. He's most emphatically not someone that I want to be with anymore, and I don't even have a glimmer of jealousy for the women (err, girls) he's been dating since we broke up. But really, that's where the issue is. I should be jealous. I should be upset that someone else is with the man I was deeply in love with until he pulled the rug out from under me. I should want to claw their eyes out. But I'm not and I don't. Because they're not with the man I loved, the man I wholeheartedly believed I would spend the rest of my life with, the man who was my best friend. That man doesn't exist in the world anymore. All that's left is this shabby imitation who's not very good at doing impressions (or maybe I was the one who was with the impostor, and he's the one who is gone now). That's the part that hurts. It's as if the love of my life died one night and I never got to go the funeral. It's such an awful feeling.
I feel better realizing what that gnawing at my heart is. I still don't know quite how to go about dealing with that. But, at least I understand it now. So, rest in peace, my love. I wish I could have said goodbye to you.
I feel better realizing what that gnawing at my heart is. I still don't know quite how to go about dealing with that. But, at least I understand it now. So, rest in peace, my love. I wish I could have said goodbye to you.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sick of it all
Really, I'm quite sick of all of this. It would have been so much better had I been allowed to just write you off as a horrible mistake and walk away. But life got in the way making it impossible for me to do just that, and for that you have the gall to be angry with me. As if somehow that's all my fault. You're the one who left me holding the bag. Quite literally, in the case of all of your belongings, which sure, I would have had every right in the world to just throw away. But no, instead I delivered it all for you. And you're mad about me turning off the phone that was under my name that you made clear you wouldn't be paying for. And mad about me wanting people to know the truth (Gasp! Not the truth!!). And mad about me "stealing" the money that you owed me from you, much in the same manner as you had much more accurately stolen a great deal more from me. And mad about other people's behavior, when I'm actually the one who called a stop to it. I'm sure I've missed a great number of other things that you're mad at me about, but really, you have about as much a right to be mad at me as I have to forgive you.
Is this really the "real" you? If so, then you were absolutely correct when you said that I would have left you had you allowed yourself to be the "real" you around me. You really had me fooled there, and for that I am so ashamed. The "real" you is selfish, cruel, and completely devoid of compassion. You're a coward who blames other people for your own failures rather than being a man and taking responsibility. You lie to yourself so you can sleep at night with your own conscience, and you spread those lies like a disease. You lie to your friends and to your own family so you can continue to take advantage of them. And watching you from this perspective, I am astounded that I never saw through your lies before. But even when your lies make no logical sense, they get gobbled up and swallowed down by even the people who should know better. I'd like nothing better than to open up the book and start revealing all of your lies, but you'd just tell more to cover them up anyway. And I'd hate to give you something legitimate to be angry at me about.
But this fight between us is finally over now, and it really is for the best. A cancer patient doesn't grieve the loss of a tumor, and neither will I. And don't think for one second that down the road you can darken my door to tell me how this was all just "dark days" for you. You've never had any apologies for the pain you've cause before, and I will not dare to hope that you ever will.
Is this really the "real" you? If so, then you were absolutely correct when you said that I would have left you had you allowed yourself to be the "real" you around me. You really had me fooled there, and for that I am so ashamed. The "real" you is selfish, cruel, and completely devoid of compassion. You're a coward who blames other people for your own failures rather than being a man and taking responsibility. You lie to yourself so you can sleep at night with your own conscience, and you spread those lies like a disease. You lie to your friends and to your own family so you can continue to take advantage of them. And watching you from this perspective, I am astounded that I never saw through your lies before. But even when your lies make no logical sense, they get gobbled up and swallowed down by even the people who should know better. I'd like nothing better than to open up the book and start revealing all of your lies, but you'd just tell more to cover them up anyway. And I'd hate to give you something legitimate to be angry at me about.
But this fight between us is finally over now, and it really is for the best. A cancer patient doesn't grieve the loss of a tumor, and neither will I. And don't think for one second that down the road you can darken my door to tell me how this was all just "dark days" for you. You've never had any apologies for the pain you've cause before, and I will not dare to hope that you ever will.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Note to self:
When suffering from nicotine withdrawals and having, let's call it "hormonal awkwardness", do not, I repeat do not open your mouth. Counting to ten is grossly insufficient. Rather, all thoughts should be given a minimum of 24 hours to process and be presented to a committee for unanimous approval before being uttered. Also, under no circumstances should one's thoughts be put into writing, no matter how reasonable they might sound in your own head, for the written word, while fleeting with things you wish to be remembered, is never ever forgotten with things you'll later wish were never read. Now if, by chance, someone is awaiting an immediate response, it must be presented face to face so that at the first sign of misstep (or mis-speak) you can be warned of your error before continuing your thought process and causing further damage.
That is all. I have been duly warned.
That is all. I have been duly warned.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Knitting for the single girl
For those who don't know, I recently decided to teach myself how to knit. I've never lived completely alone before and I quite simply have no idea what to do with myself on weeknights anymore. I'm accustomed to coming home from work, making and eating some dinner and hanging out with my honey. When I had roommates, it was much the same, just replacing the honey with a friend. But now, there's no one but my cat, Tuesday, to hang out with. And, being on a much tighter budget and having to wake up early for work in the morning, I can't really get away with going out everytime I'm bored. So, I needed something productive to do. And with a few pointers to get me started from Liz plus a couple of books (I recommend the Klutz book for the novice), I turned into a knitting monster. Added bonus - cheap christmas presents. Score! And I have already made the following things, in this order: a skinny scarf, a wallet, a thick funky scarf, a purse, and a hat. Now, I'm on the quest for new projects to try that I can do with the needles and yarns that I already have before I go out and buy more supplies. Well, I have found what is officially my favorite knitting/crafting website on the entire freakin' planet. And, as proof of just how out of control cool it is, I present you with this: The AntiCraft.com - Old Reliable No more boring scarves and hats for me! Haha!!
Anyway, I'll get bored of knitting once I've made the gazillionth christmas present, so I've already started planning for the new year. First, I'll be starting classes for my undergrad HR certificate from Northeastern. Second, starting a swimming class so I can get my technique back and hopefully start swimming more regularly again. And last, but certainly not least, a stand-up comedy course. The new year will be anything but dull.
Anyway, I'll get bored of knitting once I've made the gazillionth christmas present, so I've already started planning for the new year. First, I'll be starting classes for my undergrad HR certificate from Northeastern. Second, starting a swimming class so I can get my technique back and hopefully start swimming more regularly again. And last, but certainly not least, a stand-up comedy course. The new year will be anything but dull.
This I believe...
I'm not a religious woman. Never really have been. Oh, I sort of dabbled in this or that belief system over the years. But none of them really took. The thing that I took away from the organized religions was an understanding of that powerful sense of community; of belonging. But I never bought into the whole idea of eternal punishment or eternal reward. And the concept of a God with a capital G minding all of our business made no sense to me whatsoever.
It was the pagan spirituality that really caught my fancy more than anything else. Pagans of just about every stripe believe in the notion that if you're no good to yourself, you can't possibly be any good to anyone else. Oh, and never ever be self-serving. Sounds contradictory, I know, but if you've experienced it, you know what I'm talking about. But even those beliefs didn't really work for me in the end. Too much posturing, not enough doing. I'll still do the odd ritual in order to find my balance at times, but my heart's not there for the long haul.
But there are a few things that I have taken with me from my travels, which I find at times like these, are useful to keep repeating to myself:
It was the pagan spirituality that really caught my fancy more than anything else. Pagans of just about every stripe believe in the notion that if you're no good to yourself, you can't possibly be any good to anyone else. Oh, and never ever be self-serving. Sounds contradictory, I know, but if you've experienced it, you know what I'm talking about. But even those beliefs didn't really work for me in the end. Too much posturing, not enough doing. I'll still do the odd ritual in order to find my balance at times, but my heart's not there for the long haul.
But there are a few things that I have taken with me from my travels, which I find at times like these, are useful to keep repeating to myself:
- The Golden Rule never fails. It's not even so much because of the "doing" unto others, but rather the process of thinking to one's self how another person would feel in the situation. At least, that's how it is for me.
- Karma - it always catches up to you eventually. I especially forget this one sometimes because it always seems to take ages for the hurt or help people have caused to come back around to them, but then it comes pouring out all of a sudden, and all is right with the world. Even when it zings me.
- Everything happens for a reason. I don't know why, it just does. I don't necessarily believe in fate or destiny, but sometimes your subconscience sort of tugs you in one direction or another, and sometimes those directions are painful, but we go and head that way anyway only to find that our little Jiminy wasn't as off the mark as we might have thought, despite any cuts and bruises we might have gotten along the way.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The story begins
Fairy tales have happy endings. Life is not a fairy tale. Fairy tales also have happy beginnings (in case you hadn't noticed). In this, life starts out very much like a fairy tale. But this is no fairy tale. This is the end of one story and the beginning of another, neither of which is particularly happy. The last story ended in loss, sadness, and anger, and the new story begins in much the same way. Perhaps the happy ending will fall somewhere in the middle, and perhaps it will never come. Then again, it might show up in just a few short minutes like some fairy godmother bippity-boppity-booing her way into the room. Then again, maybe not. But we shall see, as each chapter is unveiled, what is to become of this story.
And with that, I welcome you to the Wind on the Moon. Welcome back to those who were (peculiarly) devoted to the old blog, and a warm how-do-you-do to the new arrivals. May you find it as thrilling, humorous, pensive, moving, informative, frightening, and weird as I do.
And with that, I welcome you to the Wind on the Moon. Welcome back to those who were (peculiarly) devoted to the old blog, and a warm how-do-you-do to the new arrivals. May you find it as thrilling, humorous, pensive, moving, informative, frightening, and weird as I do.
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